


Countdown

by Bang Bang Beef Keef (BangBangBeefKeef)



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Actor Lance (Voltron), Altean Lance (Voltron), Birthday, Blade of Marmora Keith (Voltron), Drunken Shenanigans, Gay Disaster Keith (Voltron), He doesn't look any different but he has powers now, Hijinks & Shenanigans, Lance's Birthday, M/M, Pining, Pining Keith (Voltron), Post-Canon, Recreational Drug Use, Resort setting, Smut tags to be added, So much flirting
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-07
Updated: 2021-01-09
Packaged: 2021-03-05 19:08:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 29,632
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25770361
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BangBangBeefKeef/pseuds/Bang%20Bang%20Beef%20Keef
Summary: Another year, another ridiculously lavish birthday trip where Lance seems set on showing off how rich, famous, and fabulous he is to this three closest friends. Another trip Keith's gay-ass might not survive.
Relationships: Keith/Lance (Voltron)
Comments: 42
Kudos: 237
Collections: After the Credits Klance, Klasix Master Collection





	1. An inch a a time

**Author's Note:**

  * For [AstroLatte](https://archiveofourown.org/users/AstroLatte/gifts).



> You asked for a stand alone fic and you got it!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW CHAPTER IS CHAPTER THREE!

Just over twelve Earth hours left.

Keith let the wrist sporting the countdown watch drop to his side. If this mission kept hitting dead ends it would take at least another two days before it was complete. He would miss the clock hitting zero and that was… perfect.

Duty called. That was his out. Can’t be helped.

“In,” said Acxa as she stepped back from the keypad and the metal door slid open.

“Keith, take point,” ordered Krolia.

Keith stepped to the front of the elite Blade of Marmora members. His blade activated in his hand as Kosmo trotted up to his side. If this turned out to be the Kletvacian Warlord’s lair after all that could be a bad thing. Might mean they’d wrap the mission early. Keith wondered if he should throw the fight…

“Keith,” said Kolivan, sternly, bringing him back to reality.

Cautiously Keith entered the chamber, one hand on Kosmo’s pelt in case the situation called for an immediate exit, his stance ready for a fight.

“All clear,” said Keith as he did a 360 scan of the smallish room. Perfect. Another dead end. When his eyes returned to the entrance he saw all five Blades with their weapons drawn and pointed at him. “What are you…?”

“This is for your own good,” said Krolia.

“What is?” asked Keith, but even as he asked this question he felt that buzz in the air just behind him before the light of the wormhole that was forming shone on the Blade members that were closing in on his position. “No!” yelled Keith, now furious. “I told you I didn’t want to go this year!”

“You cannot avoid this, Keith,” said Kolivan.

“Yeah, quit being a baby,” agreed Ezor.

“You don’t know what it’s like over there!” shouted Keith, pointing at the wormhole.

“Better than what you’ll get if you stay here,” growled Zethrid, swinging her comically large blade around in a show of skill.

“Acxa, please,” begged Keith, directing this at the only sensible member of the group. “You of all people…”

“I agree with the others,” said Acxa, her tone flat. “You are behaving like a small human child.”

“You wanna run, Keith, you gotta get through all of us,” said Krolia.

Keith smirked. He wouldn’t have to. He clutched at Kosmo’s fur, signaling the wolf to teleport him away and ZAP!

Kosmo was gone and Keith was still standing there.

Et tu, Kosmo?

“Time to face your fears like a Galra,” said Zethrid, grinning.

“Flight or flight, what’s it gonna be furless one?” asked Ezor.

“Definitely fight,” sneered Keith before launching himself at his fellow Blades.

Barely thirty seconds had ticked down on the countdown watch before Keith went flying through the wormhole and landed with a painful thud on the other side.

“Whoa, Keith! Buddy, are you okay?” Hunk bent down to offer Keith a hand up. Keith was busy blinking at the blinding light above. He’d been in a dark room and now he was outside somewhere very sunny.

He could hear Pidge laughing hysterically beside him. “You came through that thing like you were launching yourself onto a Slip’n’Slide. Tell me you were filming that, Lance.”

“Lance,” muttered Keith into the dirt as he rolled to his front so he could push himself up, ignoring the hand being offered by Hunk.

“You had to make a grand entrance, didn’t you?” came Lance’s voice last. “You had to upstage me on today of all days!”

“Today is not your day,” mumbled Keith, picking himself up and watching the three wormholes disappear. One for each invited guest.

“It is the eve of my day,” chuckled Lance, always in good humour. “And the eve is just as important, nay, more important than the actual day.”

“You can’t get two days,” argued Keith. His eyes fell on his wrist, the numbers had jumped forward twenty-one minutes, accounting for the time dilation caused by his change of location in the universe.

“I can and I will,” countered Lance.

“Where are we this time?” asked Keith, looking around. He’d rather soak in his surroundings than take in Lance just yet. He wasn’t ready. He thought he could avoid this… Damn Krolia.

Keith was immediately confused by the giant sign on the building in front of him that read “It’s Earth!”

“Are we actually on Earth?” asked Hunk, just as confused as Keith, “Or did the Earth store expand to a bigger location… Much bigger.” In fact the buildings and grounds laid out before them looked like…

“It’s a resort based on the store,” said Lance in a voice that tried to convey how impressive it was (it wasn’t.) “Store spinoff’s are so in right now.”

“Wait,” said Pidge, “I left Earth to go to a resort that’s based off Earth? I can stay home for that experience.”

“Yeah, it’s Earth-like, but they get everything kinda wrong, just like the store did,” explained Lance, “and it’s kitschy and weird and –“

“The hottest place in the universe right now,” said Pidge, Hunk, and Keith together.

Lance gasped. “How did you three know? You’d never even heard of it before.”

“Because you say that about every place every year,” said Pidge.

“Because I take you to the hottest place every year!” shot back Lance, “Plus it’s got amazing facilities, and a penthouse suite, and a rooftop bar and it’s –“

“One-hundred percent paid for by your celebrit-tay,” said the three others in unison, even pronouncing the word ‘celebrity’ like Lance would.

“Huh… do I really say the exact same thing every year?”

“Yes,” they all answered as a collective groan.

“Hmmm I should work on some new material.”

An inch… Keith would take Lance in an inch at a time, starting with his toes. That way he wouldn’t get overwhelmed and make his dumb gay overwhelmed face he tended to get whenever Lance would pop out of a wormhole, wink at Keith and go, “Hey Mullet, did ya miss me?”

“Anyhoo welcome…,” began Lance.

Toes, ankle, knees… no further, Keith. Slow down.

“…To Lance’s Annual Birthday Extravaganza!” It was the sudden movement of Lance dramatically throwing out his arms that caught Keith’s eye and forced him to look up and take too much in two soon. Lance’s normally tanned complexion was now a caramel brown, sun kissed by dozens of stars across the galaxy. His freckles danced across his nose and cheeks like constellations. His blue Altean marks popped on his cheeks bones, glowing brightly from the quintessence he’d relinquished to open three simultaneous wormholes around the universe at once (he was still the only part or full Altean alchemist capable of doing this and with a handheld tech of Pidge’s invention no less.) And his eyes were as twinkling and bright as those freshly whitened teeth.

And that was only his face….

Every year Keith saw Lance his body looked fitter and less lanky. He still had legs for days, but those legs had been introduced to a little thing called a Personal Trainer. Lance was already sporting a hotel robe and this was really dangerous because whatever he was wearing on the waist down underneath, Keith couldn’t see it. It could be nothing… Especially since it was open near the chest and… yes, Lance was at the very least shirtless.

Keith’s face was very dumb and very gay.

“I look forward to this every year!” said Hunk, lunging towards Lance to scoop him into a bear hug.

“I get excited every time I see that countdown round into the final days,” agreed Pidge. “I’m so down to turn my brain off for a couple days.” Then their eyes flipped to Keith and they grinned. “Keith already turned his brain off.”

Oh, so gay dumb face was very obvious.

Lance had been released by Hunk and had stepped up to scoop Pidge up into a hug. Even then his eyes met Keith’s. He had to fight to make his face look straighter and more capable of speech.

Did it work?

“It’s okay, Mullet,” said Lance, standing back to his full height. “You don’t need to admit how much you missed me.” Lance winked at him. “It’s written all over you.”

“I don’t have a mullet anymore!” protested Keith. Oh, so that’s the genius thing he was going to say? Well played.

“Beg to differ,” said Lance, tapping his perfectly manicured index finger on his chin.

“What do you call this?” asked Keith, yanking his long braid over his shoulder.

“Grown out mullet,” said Lance, without missing a beat. “C’mon.” Lance was offering out his arms and stepping forward towards Keith. Oh no, if Keith hugged him he might be able to tell if Lance was even wearing anything underneath and he couldn’t act this un-gay without mental prep.

“I was in the middle of a mission you know!” snapped Keith, taking a step back. Oh yes, start a fight. That had always shut down the gay back on the Castleship.

“Pfft. No you weren’t,” said Lance with a roll of his eyes. “At least not a real one.”

Something dark was dawning on Keith… “Lance,” he said through gritted teeth, “Did you make up a fake mission and have all my most threatening Blades come with me so you could ambush me with a wormhole and have them throw me through it!”

“It was mostly Krolia’s idea. She told me you wanted to skip this year, but thought that was kinda a shitty friend move so we conspired together.”

“That is extreme!” shouted Keith. “Even for you!”

“Oh honey, don’t be mad. It’ll give you wrinkles,” pouted Lance then he reached into his pocket and pulled out a tissue. “Here. Your lip is bleeding.” Then Lance went ahead and dabbed at Keith’s lip like he wasn’t directly in Keith’s (very gay) personal space. Keith could smell Lance’s cologne, Sage and sea salt. He smelt so good.

This was a bad situation for Keith which is exactly why he tried to avoid coming!

“I got it,” said Keith, yanking the tissue from Lance and dabbing it against his lip himself with way too much force.

“Besides,” said Lance, running a hand through his short cropped chestnut brown hair, “You can’t be mad at me. It’s my birthday.”

“Tomorrow is your birthday,” clarified Keith.

“Midnight is my birthday,” said Lance, tapping his own countdown watch. “And if you hated it so much, you wouldn’t wear your watch.” Then Lance grabbed Keith’s wrist, spun around and gave him a firm yank. “C’mon! I didn’t even tell you the best part!” Knowing Lance, he would declare at least twenty things ‘the best part’ before the trip was through. “This timezone on this planet perfectly lines up Earth’s midnight with their midnight.”

“They have a midnight?” questioned Hunk as they all made their way towards the resort entrance.

“Well, they call it moon apex,” said Lance, “But it’s pretty much the same thing. Simultaneous midnight!”

“How many times do I have to tell you,” said Pidge, “There is no such thing as a simultaneous event.”

“Seriously, Pidge,” snapped Lance, “If you explain the theory of relativity one more time on my birthday…”

“But it’s the entire reason I invented these countdown watches! So we could best match our body locations to the particular time point on Earth despite the degree of distance.”

“I’m just excited we get to celebrate your birthday turnover at night,” said Hunk, cheerily. “That time we celebrated it mid-afternoon in the Delphoid System was kinda anti-climatic.”

“That was the first birthday meetup year. We were still working out the kinks,” argued Lance. “Just think how perfect my Fiftieth Birthday Extravaganza will be!”

“We’ll still be doing this then?” asked Keith, allowing Lance to pull him into the lobby by the wrist because hey – they were practically holding hands, right?

“Of course! What kind of question is that? Will my three best friends still be joining me for my birthday three decades from now? Obviously!”

“No one loves their birthday like Lance,” chuckled Pidge.

“Because I’m a Leo!” said Lance, defensively as they stepped onto the elevator. “Anyway, all this talk of distance between bodies when all I want is to get these heavenly bodies,” Lance pointed between the four of them, “In motion on the dance floor. Penthouse please,” he added, turning the alien elevator operator dressed in a tradition operator suit.

“You timed that,” sniggered Pidge as the doors shut and the elevator began to move upwards.

*******

“Woohoohoo!” cheered Pidge, running into the Penthouse suite and taking the steps two at a time down into the sunken living room. “This place is so cool!”

“Uno, dos, tres, quatros rooms,” said Lance, pointing to the doors along the East and West facing walls. “Mine may appear to be the biggest, but that is an optical illusion created by the hot tub and floating waterfall. It is the same size as the rest of yours and even if it was bigger, that’s fine because it’s my birthday.”

“We should make a pillow fort right here!” cheered Pidge.

“On it!” agreed Hunk.

“That’s the spirit,” cheered Lance, “Now where is that bellhop with our other bags?” Hunk and Pidge had come prepared, stepping through their wormholes with luggage packed. Keith however…

“I didn’t bring anything,” mumbled Keith.

“As usual you are ill prepared,” said Lance with a dismissive wave of his hand. “It’s cool. I got you bro.”

Lance scooped his arm through Keith’s and led him to the doors on the East facing wall. So it was going to be a touchy feely Lance today? That wasn’t going to make Keith’s gay looks any easier to conceal.

“Don’t tell me you went shopping for me,” groaned Keith.

Lance threw open the bedroom door to reveal several outfits laid out on the bed and sang, “I went shopping!”

Keith groaned.

“I knew you wouldn’t have packed because you weren’t expecting to come,” said Lance then he looked at Keith seriously, “Why was that exactly? We should get into that now. Clear the air.”

Keith’s eyes widened and then in a comically loud voice he announced, “Boy! These clothes look great!”

“I thought as much,” said Lance with a cool smile and a nod. He turned to exit as Keith stepped inside to examine what Lance had got him. Which reminded him…

“I didn’t get you a present,” Keith, calling back over his shoulder.

“What else is new?” Lance called back. “Anyway your presence is your present. But also…” Lance poked his head back in the room. “Gift cards are a great present and available in the hotel store in the lobby.” Then he winked and fluttered back out of sight.

Touchy and winky. Please Lance… The fake flirting was way more than Keith could handle on short notice.

Then Keith’s eyes fell on an alarming piece of clothing. “Lance… why did you get me a bathing suit?”

“I forgot the best part!” came Lance’s voice from deep in the suite, “The hotel has eight different pools plus waterslides! Nothing says It’s Earth! like a waterslide!”

“Is your gay ass going to be able to handle the sight of Lance in a bathing suit?”

Keith jumped, startled by the sound of Pidge’s voice directly behind him. He hadn’t heard them come in. He turned around to see Pidge dressed in their swim trunks.

“Yes,” hissed Keith, going to work removing his Blade suit. It’s not like Pidge would care if he undressed in front of them. Neither of them had anything the other was interested in seeing. “And don’t make jokes like this in front of him.”

Pidge turned to the side to give Keith at least a little semblance of privacy as he switched to the swim trunks. “I’ve made it through four of these birthday extravaganzas without going ‘oh, by the way, Lance, Keith has a dildo back home he named after you, but he’s looking to upgrade to the real thing’ and I’m not going to slip and say it now.”

“Ew. Why do you have to put it that way? Why can’t you just say I’m in love with him?”

“Ew love,” said Pidge, like it was a bad taste in their mouth.

“Ew love what?” asked Lance, appearing in the doorway and causing Keith to quickly yank up his shorts. “Ew love what?” he repeated when neither answered him.

“Ew to love in general,” said Pidge, casually. Lance’s eyes flicked away from Keith and fell on Pidge’s bare chest. “Oh… so now you just…?”

“What?” asked Pidge, challenging Lance to say something that would lead to him getting an earful on the sexism surrounding the afab nipple.

“Well, the pool is swimsuit optional,” said Lance, slowly, “I just didn’t think you’d take that option with your top half.”

“So is Keith,” shot Pidge, quickly, “And his tits are twice the size of mine.”

Lance immediately looked at Keith and Keith immediately brought his arms up to cover his pecs.

Why Keith?

Why react that way?

“He does got dem tiddies,” said Lance, a wicked grin crossing his face.

“Maybe you should’ve gotten him a sports bra,” suggested Pidge.

“They’re just pecs, not tits!” barked Keith.

“That’s a mood,” agreed Pidge.

“Hey, what’s the shouting about?” asked Hunk, stepping into the doorway in his own swim trunks.

Lance looked directly at Hunk’s nipples with a thoughtful expression then turned to point at Pidge and Keith in turn. “A cup, B cup,” then back to Hunk, “Double D’s!”

“So uh… you three drunk already or something?” asked Hunk, looking a bit lost.

“Can I motorboat them?” asked Lance, still looking at Hunk's chest.

“No, it tickled too much last time,” said Hunk turning away.

“But later when I’m drunk?”

Hunk giggled. “We’ll see…”

“You da best,” said Lance, blowing Hunk a kiss... and aiming it at his chest then he spun on his heels and exited. “Pool in five, aceres!”

Keith gulped as he had just seen that bathrobe hem fly up when Lance spun around and gotten a definite answer to the question: is he naked under there?

Pidge leaned into Keith and muttered, “Oh, your gay ass is going down!”

********

Nipple gate shouldn’t have even been a thing, it’s not like Pidge could tell the gender of most of the aliens in the pool area and half of them had optioned out of wearing a swimsuit. It seemed like modesty (particularly gendered modesty) was more of a human trait than anything else.

Lance had gotten them a private cabana to relax in. Pidge had gone on every waterslide twice before deciding to give their legs a rest from climbing all those dang stairs. Keith retreated to the cabana shortly after in a huff, his face a blushing mess.

“Well?” asked Pidge, expecting the incident report.

“It’s like he’s following me,” grumbled Keith, “Every pool I move to, he’s there!”

“Of course he’s following you. It’s Lance. He’s always acted like you’re attached at the hip.”

“It’s too much this time,” said Keith, dropping down onto the lounge chair next to Pidge.

“That’s kinda Lance’s whole deal though. Being too much.”

“He has no tan lines,” said Keith, lying down on the lounge and pressing the heels of his hands into his eye sockets.

“See, that’s messed up,” said Pidge, “That means he tans in the nude. Do you think he did that just for this trip?”

Keith shrugged. He switched to massaging his own temples.

“I guess this is how he’s topping himself this year, making a greater spectacle of himself. Getting us to look at him naked.”

“Why would he do that?” asked Keith. Boy, he was clueless sometimes. Well, most of the time.

“He likes the reaction. The attention.”

“We’re giving him all our attention already,” moaned Keith, “That’s what these parties are for. Plus he’s an intergalactic celebrity. How is he not attentioned-out?”

“It’s Lance. No attention is ever enough. Plus, he likes yours especially.”

Keith’s face had just re-paled, but this made him blush again. “He likes it from all three of us.”

“Yes, but you give the best reaction. Hey,” said Pidge, spinning on their seat so they could reach out and grab Keith’s hand. “If you need an out or an excuse to retreat to the room at any point, let me know. I got you.”

“Thanks,” said Keith, giving Pidge’s hand a squeeze, “but I’ll survive. I’m gayest at the start. I’ll adjust.”

“By adjust, I know you mean ‘get drunk’ but I’ll help you with that too.”

“Heh. I know you will.”

Pidge sucked in breath and then went for it because they had to at least once a year. “You could just tell him how you f-“

“He’s straight, Pidge,” said Keith, snatching back his hand.

“The guy I just watched mix tanning oil with body glitter is straight?”

“Those stereotypes aren’t true, Pidge. Look at me. Lance hasn’t even figured out that I’m gay.”

“’kay there’s no way that boy thinks you’re straight. Not with all those doe-eyed looks you give him.”

“HEY KEITH!” yelled Lance, because of course he was paddling around in the pool directly in front of them. “THAT LADY OVER THERE THINKS YOU’RE CUTE! I GAVE HER YOUR INFO. THAT’S COOL, RIGHT?”

Keith gave Pidge the side eye.

“I stand corrected,” admitted Pidge.


	2. Ch-ch-cherry cola

“AJ?” said Lance quietly as he breaststroked his way over to the edge of the pool. In response he heard the three tone melody to indicate the connection.

“Yes, Mr. McClain?” responded AJ directly in his ear.

“Do you have eyes?” asked Lance, grabbing onto the pool’s edge then laying his crossed arms on the concrete to float there.

“I have eyes on you and your two companions in the cabana, sir.”

“Where are you?” asked Lance, pushing himself up a couple more inches out of the water so he could peer around.

“I am camouflaged among the guests, sir. Hidden in plain sight.”

“Good,” said Lance, a little put off that he couldn’t spot him, but that meant his friends wouldn’t notice him either. “I want you heard and not seen.”

“I will work behind the scenes just as we discussed,” assured AJ. “I will ensure this weekend goes off without a hitch while working invisibly. Like the wind moving the leaves among the tree branches.”

“Nothing against you, man. I just don’t want my friends to think I’m all hoity-toity with an assistant. They don’t live the same lifestyle as me. They’re down to Earth people.”

“They are from Earth, sir.”

“No, it's an expression it means.., you know what, nevermind. Send drinks to the cabana. And food. Then more drinks after that. Just keep it coming all day.”

“I already set a schedule with the serving staff and kitchen. They should be receiving their first drinks shortly.”

“That’s not quick enough. As soon as anyone sits today, they should be handed a drink.”

“I will make that clear from now on, sir.”

Lance looked over at the cabana to see Keith and Pidge talking, pausing only to select drinks from the staff members appearing with a tray (finally.)

“I wonder what they’re talking about…”

“I am not within heading range,” said AJ. “Would you like me to move closer? Within earshot?”

“No!” said Lance, quickly, “I do not want you eavesdropping on my friends’ conversations. That is one of the lines we agreed would not be crossed.”

“Forgive me for suggesting.”

“That said… if you just happen to overhear anything, it would be fine if you reported it to me. Particularly anything Keith says. He is hard to read.”

“You’ve mentioned his inscrutability, sir.”

“So if you hear or notice anything…”

“I’ll have a written report for you on Keith by tomorrow afternoon.”

“Perfect. Also, Keith didn’t seem pleased with the outfits I bought him. Can you pick up a few more outfits as options for tonight? What is the bar’s dress code anyway?”

“The website lists it as ‘festive cool ranch Doritos,’” replied AJ.

“What does that mean?” questioned Lance.

“I assumed you would know. I’ll make a few calls and find out. Once I know I’ll have the hotel staff bring up appropriate outfits for you and your three guests.”

“Great. That’s it for n -”Lance began his sign off command that would automatically end the bluetooth call.

“A couple more things while I have you on the line, sir.”

“Yes,” sighed Lance, having a feeling this would be about work.

“Your agent called -“

“Tell them I’m not looking at offers this weekend.”

“I’ll pass that message on and book something for next week. The second item is, will you be looking to book a ‘companion’ on this trip? I have names of several highly rated discrete professionals in our area. I’ve put two on call just in case.”

Lance blushed. “Cancel that. Lose the names.”

“But sir -“

“I know this is your first birthday with me, Ajeg - Can I call you, Ajeg? - but I don’t do that stuff when I’m with my friends.”

“Affirmative to both, Sir.”

“That’s all for now,” muttered Lance. He listened to the three tone melody announce the end of the call in his waterproof, nearly invisible earpiece.

***********

Okay, the drinks at this resort were yummy. Pidge was definitely enjoying this vacay despite the gay crisis in the lounge chair beside them.

“Is Kosmo not joining you this year?” they asked.

“Don’t invoke his name!” said Keith, leaning forward and frantically waving his arms.

“Why not?”

ZAP!

SPLASH!

They turned just in time to get a face full of pool water. The result of a tidal wave created by Kosmo teleporting above the pool then crashing down into the water. Pidge only realized this when they wiped the water from their eyes to the sound of screaming and saw Kosmo doggy paddling around the pool where the water level had gone down several feet.

“You summoned him,” groaned Keith, dropping his dripping wet face into his palms. “Now I need to babysit a two tonne cosmic wolf at the same time I’m fending off my feelings for Lance.”

“Heeeey buddy!” called out Lance (right on cue.) Pidge looked to see Lance had resurfaced in the water (so were others, swimming back to the surface and quickly swimming to the ladders to get the fuck out of there.) Lance instead swam right up to Kosmo, taking handfuls of fur in each hand so he could pull himself into a hug against his back.

ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP ZAP!

Kosmo teleported around the pool, onto the deck, back into the pool, and then out of sight, all the while with Lance holding on for dear life on his back.

“Where’d they go?” asked Pidge.

“Uh oh…,” said Keith.

In the distance they could hear more ZAP’s and screams. Apparently Kosmo was touring the whole of the resort.

ZAP!

He teleported back above the pool with Lance still in tow and they once more dropped down into the water.

Keith and Pidge were hit with a second wave. Pidge could hear Lance laughing. It was so free and genuine. The first time on this trip Pidge felt like Lance wasn’t putting on a fabulous front.

Pidge looked over at Keith and saw the look of absolute adoration on his face as he watched his forever crush frolic with his animal familiar. He was too transparent sometimes.

“You wanna quiet down the gay,” suggested Pidge.

“Right,” said Keith, shaking his head. “Sorry.”

“Hey! Excuse me!” said the resort Concierge, speeding walking up to the edge of the pool. “There are no pets allowed here!”

“Kosmo isn’t a pet,” grumbled Keith. He looked like he was about to go give the Concierge a piece of his mind, but Pidge threw out an arm to stop him.

“Let Lance field this,” they said.

Lance had already paddled to the edge of the pool and was speaking to the Concierge in a volume they couldn’t quite make out, though the word “cele-bri-tay” did rise above the sound of Kosmo panting as he swam laps around the pool.

“Yes, my apologies sir,” said the Concierge, giving a bow and walking off.

“Of course he’s allowed to do whatever the fuck he wants,” muttered Pidge.

“He wouldn’t have picked this place if he couldn’t.”

“It’s not just here though. Anywhere he goes he’s treated like the friggin’ Altean messiah. It’s not healthy for him.”

“Beg to differ,” said Keith. “Lance is happy like this. This is the kind of validation he was missing in his life.”

Pidge turned to look Keith in the eye. “It’s a show, Keith. Lance has always tried to look happy when he’s suffering. Don’t you think this is a cry for help? You know him best.”

Keith looked away from Pidge’s gaze. “I haven’t known Lance in a very long time. If I ever knew him…”

“Cue self-pitying answer.”

“Hush you,” said Keith, settling back. “I’m not supposed to be here.”

“Oh? Do I get to hear the reason?”

“My therapist thinks if I want to get over Lance I need to quit him cold turkey.”

“Pfft. That’s not what your therapist actually said. Your therapist said skipping the party would be avoidance and that isn’t healthy. What you need is to work on setting boundaries with Lance.”

Keith dead ass stared at Pidge. “Have you been speaking to my therapist?”

So it was true. “No, you told Krolia who told Colleen who told me.”

“Dammit Krolia,” muttered Keith. “Pidge, I thought your therapist told you your energy would be better used concerning yourself with your own well being and not your friends? You have enough emotional baggage to carry without carrying everyone else’s.”

“How did you - ?”

“You told Colleen who told Krolia who told me. Mom gossip chain works both ways. Also, heard that your mom is concerned you haven’t found a boyfriend yet.”

“Ha!” Pidge nearly choked on the laugh. “Heard your mom’s worried about the same.”

“You thinkin’ what I’m thinkin’?” drawled Keith.

“Sham wedding pact to get our moms off our back if we reach a certain age and you’re still single?”

“You mean if we’re still both single?”

“Keith…,” sighed Pidge.

“Hey, what am I missing?” asked Lance, appearing at the entrance to the cabana. Thank the Ancients he’d grabbed a towel to wrap around his waist after climbing out of the pool or Keith might’ve imploded.

“We just got engaged,” said Pidge, grinning.

“WHAT?!” shrieked Lance, “You can’t just – you don’t even – where the quiznak is this coming from?!”

“Pidge is joking,” said Keith, clearly.

“Good,” said Lance, relaxing. “I mean, not good. I wish you two the best –separately – I just don’t like to be blindsided by these things. I want to see it coming a mile away.” Lance sat himself down on the end of Keith’s lounge chair, his tiny towel bunching up over tanned thighs. His gaze was focused on Pidge as he continued to babble about whatever control he wanted to impose over the relationships between his friends as he casually (but on purpose) let his hand fall on Keith’s ankle and gave it a light squeeze.

Poor Keith looked as gay and trapped as ever.

Pidge saw this happen and felt bad for him. Keith was an idiot thinking Lance didn’t know he was gay and in love with him. These weekends were about Lance soaking up the attention and no one gave him better attention than Keith.

Suddenly Pidge understood why Keith thought it would be best if he didn’t come at all. He was never going to be capable of creating boundaries with Lance. Lance would advance on Keith until there wasn’t an inch left and Pidge wasn’t entirely sure what Lance would do next. Most likely continue to string Keith along, never letting him get over him.

But then again, what did Pidge know? Their therapist said they tend to catastrophize situations in their mind. Thinking up the worst possible scenario and believing it’s the only way things could play out. You’d think surviving the near end to all reality would mean smooth mental sailing from now on, but naw. That kinda trauma before you’re old enough to drive sets up a pattern for anticipating the worst.

ZAP!

They all turned to see Kosmo had left the pool, the displaced water rushing into the middle to fill the void he’d left. There was a scream off in the distance so Pidge could only assume Kosmo was still on the property.

“Great,” mumbled Keith. “I’m going to have to track him down and send him off.”

He went to get up, but Lance’s hand clamped down on Keith’s calve. Really Lance?

“Let him have fun,” said Lance, “The staff is going to keep an eye on him. It’s great that he’s here.”

“He’s going to break shit. Expensive shit.”

“None of that matters,” said Lance, with a dismissive wave of his hand.

“Does your cele-bri-tay pay to fix property damage?” asked Keith, sounding irritated.

“If anything’s for reals broken, I’ll for reals pay for it,” said Lance, tone light. Meanwhile his hand was sliding up to Keith’s knee. “You’re my guest and by extension so is Kosmo. Nothing is going to prevent this from being the perfect birthday so don’t sweat it.”

Keith was staring at Lance’s hand on his knee and most definitely sweating.

“Hey-o!” came Hunk’s bubbly voice, breaking up the sexual tension as he ducked himself back into the cabana. Behind him were a pair of servers carrying trays of covered food.

“There you are,” said Pidge. “I thought you were swimming, but you’re not even wet.”

“Oh yeah, no,” said Hunk, scratching behind his head. “I was planning to, but then I took a tiny peek at the menu and realized it was all wrong.”

“How can a menu be wrong?”

“Well,” said Hunk, stepping to the side so those servers could exit while another entered with a tray of fresh cocktails. “This resort is supposed to be Earth themed, but none of the food was right. Mac and Bees, Chicken Stringers, French Lies…” Hunk counted these off on his fingers as he went.

“Wait, French LIES?” gasped Lance.

“Yeah, it was like alphabet soup that spells out untrue facts in french.”

They all stared at Hunk, drinks frozen part way to their mouths.

“WAIT, IS THE MAC AND BEES THING LITERAL TOO?!” cried Lance.

“Not anymore,” said Hunk, pulling the lids off two of the trays. Pidge wasn’t even hungry until they smelt that smell. Suddenly they were salivating as Hunk uncovered the rest of the trays.

“Hunk, you beautiful genius,” said Lance, already biting into a Mac and Cheese Ball. “Ohmygod,” he mumbled around his bite. “Do not tell my Dietitian about this.”

“You have a Dietitian?” asked Keith.

“We can’t all clock a hundred plus hours of Blade Mission a week and earn washboard abs like some people,” teased Lance as he laid his hand flat on Keith’s bare stomach. Pidge watched the look of panic cross Keith’s face. This was probably as close as Lance had ever gotten to Keith’s joystick.

“Harder than I thought,” mused Lance. He definitely meant the ab muscles, but Keith blushed like he meant his dick. “I could literally grate cheese on this… Wait!” Lance leant over and grabbed a block of cheese off one of the trays that featured a charcuterie platter then used it to mime grating cheese off Keith’s abs.

“We have graters in the kitchen,” said Hunk, quickly. “Way more effective than Keith’s abs.”

Lance shrugged and twisted back to look at Hunk and Pidge. Eyes off, Keith was able to silently freakout behind Lance’s back.

“So you’ve been working in the kitchen this whole time?” asked Pidge, pressing Hunk.

“Well… they’re kinda understaffed and I thought I could help out.”

Typical co-dependent Hunk can’t relax. Always needs to find a way to be needed. Cooking is his go-to. Personally, Pidge wouldn’t have minded trying some Mac and Bees… Maybe the bees on this planet are hella tasty and not endangered.

“Hunk, you don’t need to cook here,” said Lance. “Full service is part of the cost.”

“But none of us are paying anything,” said Keith.

“Zip it,” said Lance, wiping his hand back to push an intrusive finger to Keith’s lips without even turning back himself. Keith went crossed-eyed looking at that finger pressed to his lips.

Pidge needed to make a drinking game over how much of Keith could Lance touch. Everytime he hits an androgynous zone, take a shot! They were going to get so drunk…

“We’re here to spend time together,” said Lance, sounding actually sincere for once. “So let’s stay together. Let's do some waterslides,” suggested Lance, standing up.

“I’m down,” said Pidge then they watched as Lance just let that towel drop.

***

Hunk immediately looked away when Lance dropped his towel. This whole bathing suit optional thing was way too awkward.

“Dude, no one wants to go on a waterslide with you while you’re hanging brain,” said Pidge. “I don’t need to see what happens to that floppy thing when G Force is applied.”

“Rude,” scoffed Lance, pouting. “Y’all need to give up on human hang-ups on nudity. Tons of naked aliens here.”

“Says the guy who flipped over my nipples earlier! Besides, most of the aliens have fur and you… well, you don’t anymore. Not where it counts. Cover up or we’re not sliding. We’re united in this, right guys?”

“Uhhh,” mumbled Hunk, trying not to actually have to say anything to Lance.

“Whatever,” muttered Keith, also keeping his eyes away from Lance.

“Fine. I’ll wear a bathing suit if that’s what you squares want,” said Lance, dramatically. He spun around, put a hand to his ear and mumbled something Hunk couldn’t quite catch. Then Lance threw out his arm and before Hunk could figure out what that gesture meant there was a distant THUNK and Lance caught something blue in his hand.

“Whoa,” gasped Hunk, “did you just have a napkin shot at you from a t-shirt cannon?”

“Napkin?” repeated Lance, flipping around and unraveling the piece of fabric in his hand. “Oh no, this is my bathing suit.”

“That’s a thong!” barked Pidge, “A thong is not an improvement!”

“You wanted my balls and dick covered!” argued Lance, “It takes care of that!”

“But your entire ass is going to be hanging out and Kei –” Pidge cut themselves off so fast.

“What about Keith?” asked Lance, finishing the name himself and whipping his head to look at Keith. Keith was looking at the ground, but the attention made his eyes widen in horror.

“Is jealous you gave him trunks instead of a thong and it wouldn’t be fair to wear that around him,” explained Pidge in a voice that sounded louder than the tone called for.

“I can get Keith his own thong,” said Lance is his all too helpful voice. He spun around again and put his hand to his ear when Keith finally spoke up.

“I don’t need a thong! Just wear something with an ass so the slides don’t chaff you.”

“Right…” Lance blinked at Keith then turned his back again and stepped away. He again said something quietly to himself then held out his hand. THUNK He’d caught something new from what had to be a t-shirt cannon though Hunk couldn’t spot the source from here.

“That’s panties!” barked Pidge, pointing at the rhinestone-covered garment in Lance’s hand.

“Honestly, you of all people gendering clothing…,” muttered Lance as he bent forward to slip a leg into the pair of sheer looking shorty short shorts.

“My point is it’s not better than a thong. It’s underwear.”

Lance pulled the garment all the way up with a poignant snap of the waistband. “It’s my back-up suit and it’s opaque and covers my ass cheeks… Well, most of my ass cheeks. Need to give the girls some breathing room.”

“It’s flesh coloured,” said Pidge, looking at Lance’s crotch.

Lance rolled his eyes. “Yeah, but not my flesh. You can tell I’m wearing something. Keith, can’t you tell I’m wearing something?”

“I see… sparkles,” said Keith, slowly. At least he was looking in Lance’s direction again and that was an improvement.

“You guys don’t understand fashion at all,” bemoaned Lance. “I’m wearing this, y’all are gonna get into it, now let’s go because those waterslides aren’t going to ride themselves!”

He was halfway out the Cabana when Hunk said, “Wait, what about all this food?” He’d spent hours preparing it and they barely touched it except for Pidge who was stuffing their cheeks with bacon wrapped scallops.

“I’ll have the staff take care of it,” said Lance, all casual.

Take care of it how? Hunk didn’t want to voice this concern out loud. They were having a nice vacay together, right? Everyone was happy and positive. No reason to complain… about hours of wasted labour that was not appreciated.

Or maybe it was! His friends just weren’t always very vocal with their compliments which is why Hunk prefers to watch them eat, but apparently they were all going to go watersliding instead. Oh well!

***********

“Single riders only,” warned the alien lifeguard. He was sporting three different kinds of swim trunks, stacked up his long torso and torn open in the bottom on the top two. He said this because it was Keith’s turn to go, but Lance had crossed the yellow line right after him... mere inches behind Keith... body heat radiating forward against his back...

“You must be new here,” said Lance, voice light, almost a laugh, but not quite.

“Everyone’s new here. This is a new resort.”

“Okay, then I understand the confusion. See, I’m Lance McClain.”

The alien just stared.

“Former Paladin of Voltron.”

Like the rest of them weren’t also.

“Doesn’t sound familiar,” said the lifeguard, flatly.

“The war wasn’t that long ago,” muttered Lance, under his breath. Then he pressed a finger to his ear and said something Keith couldn’t make out.

“Can I go?” asked Keith, foot reaching out to touch the water rushing from the jets at the top of the slide. Lance grabbed his arm to stop him. He didn’t explain, just grippedKeith so he couldn’t leave. “What are we - ?”

The bright red phone that was hanging on the guardrail behind the lifeguard rang. He picked it up. Keith already knew what the result of this call would be before he even said, “Ya- huh?”

*******

_‘Anytime I need to see your face  
I just close my eyes  
And I am taken to a place  
Where your crystal mind and magenta feelings  
Take up shelter in the base of my spine  
Sweet like a chic-a-cherry cola’_

A minute later Keith was listening to 90’s pop-rock blast over the resort speakers while riding down the slide, not just with Lance’s thighs gripped around his hips, but with Hunk acting as his little spoon and Pidge bringing up the rear.

The amount of things Lance could get, or rules he could break, just by asking wass staggering, but right in that moment, with Lance’s arms wrapped around his middle and his other two best friends cheering as they whipped down the slide, Keith managed not to care about all that.

This could’ve been what a date would be like with Lance. Bathing suits and the smell of chlorine and skin contact…

_‘I don't need to try to explain  
I just hold on tight  
And if it happens again  
I may move so slightly  
To the arms and the lips and the face  
Of the human cannonball that  
I need to, I want to’_

Lance tucked his chin against Keith’s neck. He was laughing right in his ear. It was an honest laugh like before when he was playing with Kosmo, there was no showboating here. It made Keith really happy he came.

“Everyone plug your nose!” warned Hunk as they were approaching the bottom of the slide. Then suddenly Hunk screamed which confused Keith because his brain didn’t fully register the ZAP sound that came right before.

Then Hunk collided with something that had a domino effect of making them each smash into each other and that’s Keith saw the blue fur and realized Kosmo teleported to the front of the line and they were still about to hit the bottom!

SPLASH!

Kosmo hit the water so hard it dislodged it so it splashed over the sides of the pool. They didn’t land in water, but on top of wet comic fur in a painful jumble of limbs before sliding off to fall into the now shin deep water.

Keith couldn’t stop laughing while he sat on his butt in the tiny amount of water that was still left.

“Again?” asked Lance, standing and offering a hand to Keith. He took it. It felt cold and wet and familiar.

“Definitely,” said Keith, letting Lance help him stand.

Instead of letting go, Lance held on and scooped that arm over his shoulders. “See how much fun you’re having. This is why I forced you to come. I know what’s best for you, Mullet.”

*********

Keith sighed, looking up at the clear blue sky. The shade so much like Earth’s sky that always reminded him of Lance’s eyes.

They’d lucked out on the weather. It was hot, but floating on an inner tube on the lazy river meant enough contact with the water to keep his body temp just right.

Everyone had fallen silent, relaxing as they floated along as a group. He couldn’t hear any screaming in the distance which meant Kosmo must’ve found somewhere to nap. Keith was ready to fall asleep himself. He could really get used to this…

“Make room.”

Then as soon as Keith’s eyes were closed, Lance climbed into his lap!

Or at least he tried to, sending the side of the inner tube underwater and putting Keith off balance.

“Lance! What are you doing?” barked Keith as Lance continued to hop and push down on the side of the innertube until he was successful in crawling, all slippery limbed on top of Keith.

“My inner tube is leaking air. I was going to sink.”

“We’re going to sink!”

“It can hold us both,” said Lance, flipping his body over as the tube continued to rock unsteadily in the water. Much to the amusement of Hunk and Pidge watching.

“You need to ask to share!” argued Keith, giving up as Lance settled his ass into Keith’s lap, crisscrossing their bodies like an X.

“Oh, but Keith, what’s mine is yours. Haven’t you learned?”

“Yeah, first Red and now that inner tube,” said Pidge, sarcastically.

“Paladins of the rubber,” added Hunk.

“You should just swim beside us or float if that big ego of yours doesn’t weigh you down.”

“Gross, Keith, kids pee in this water,” said Lance, resettling himself which meant shimmying his ass on Keith’s lap. At least what he was saying was unsexy enough for Keith could control himself, but his peace and relaxing was definitely over.

“Ohhh right on time,” said Lance, rolling to his side, making the tube unsteady AGAIN so he could grab a drink off a tray of beverages floating by on a mini raft. Where did that even come from? “Here you go, my dear,” said Lance, nudging a drink into Keith’s hand. “You seem like you could relax a little more.”

“I was relaxing just fine until your bony butt climbed in here!” Disclaimer: It was not bony. It was perfect.

“BONY?!” cried Lance, deeply offended. “It is not! Look at this!” With that Lance rolled over, landing him lying face down across Keith’s legs… for about a moment, before he slipped right off and slid into the water with a surprised whimper.

“Anyone catch that ass before he went under?”

“Yeah, looked bony,” snorted Keith as Lance broke the surface.

“You okay?” asked Hunk, the only one not enjoying Lance ending up in the drink.

“Not everyone can have a battle earned bubble butt, Keith! Some of us have to go to personal trainers!”

“You know my job isn’t a workout routine, right?” asked Keith.

“Just let me back on,” said Lance.

“No!” said Keith, kicking his legs so hard that not only did he propel away, but splashed water into Lance’s freckled face.

**********

“Ajeg, did you get our outfits for tonight, yet?” asked Lance while he towel dried his hair. The others were walking back to the cabana so Lance was far enough off to make a discreet call to his personal assistant on his earpiece

“Just laying them out on your beds, sir.”

“Pick mine back up, I need it tailored to really hug my Easter basket if you catch my drift.”

“I do not, sir.”

“Talkin’ ‘bout my buttered rolls.”

“Your what?”

“My downstairs pears.”

“Sir, I’m sorry I don’t -”

“My ass, AJ, I want my pants to hug my ass.”

“Affirmative, sir.”

“That’s all for now,” said Lance, dropping his finger from his ear. He looked at his countdown watch. Five hours to go. S’okay… he could pull this birthday off just like the rest of them. It would be perfect. As always.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Song is I Want You by Savage Garden


	3. Tiny Sips

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THIS IS THE NEW CHAPTER!!

“Okay, your ass looks amazing in those pants!”

Lance was fully ready to accept this compliment (finally! He’d been parading his ass around all day waiting for that compliment.) Except he was still in his room so how had Pidge known?

Lance peeked out his room to see nothing but the pillow and blanket fort Hunk and Pidge had built inside the sunken living room. They’d even dragged their mattresses out to serve as walls. 

“Do you really think so?” came Hunk’s voice from inside the fort.

“That’s the best your butt’s ever looked!” exclaimed Pidge.

“Yours looks good too though!”

“Wow. It does, right? And with so little to work with.”

“What’s… uh,” said Lance, coming around to the entrance of the fort. “What’s going on? You talking about each other’s butts?”

“Yeah, they look really good in these pants,” said Pidge, twisting around to show off their rear. 

Dammit! It did look good and so did Hunk’s for that matter. Like the pants were lifting them up. 

“I don’t understand what’s going on with the pattern on these pants. Since it’s um… moving, but damn, these fit good.”

“Almost like they’ve been tailored,” mumbled Lance. All the pairs. Not just Lance’s. “Dammit AJ…”

“Yes sir?” buzzed his assistant’s voice in his ear.

“Not now,” groaned Lance.

“Not now what?” asked Hunk, looking concerned.

“Not now um… not now is when we need to leave. We have time before our reso.” Yep. Great cover up.

“Okay,” said Pidge, eyes narrowing.

“So um, my butt looks great too, right?” asked Lance, spinning around and lifting up the hem of his jacket to give them both a proper view.

“Sure,” said Hunk.

Sure?! Lance was about to flip out and demand they take a proper look when Keith’s voice called out, “Hey, where are you guys?”

“Fort!” Hunk and Pidge called back. 

“Join us!” called out Lance. Keith would have to take a look at Lance’s butt and agree that it’s bootylicious. He would badger him until he admitted it if it came to that.

“Uh, is that thing structurally sound?” called out Keith.

“Of course it is!” said Hunk, leaning against one of the upright mattresses.

“Yeah, you think a couple of engineers can’t build a blanket fort?” scoffed Pidge. But at that moment the mattress Hunk was leaning on started to shift, making the whole fort lean. “Nevermind! We’ll come to you!”

And then they ran like Indiana Jones running from a giant boulder and dove onto the carpet as the fort coll - no… it gently flopped to the side. Okay, yeah they maybe overreacted.

“That’s about what I expected that thing to do,” said Keith as he casually traipsed down the stairs, coming to a stop within a foot of Lance’s carpet strewn body. 

Lance was face to foot with the shiny pair of loafers he’d picked out for Keith to wear tonight. They looked nice. In fact, as Lance’s gaze took Keith in inch by inch, all of it was looking good. But that’s fine… Lance wouldn’t react dramatically. He’d just take Keith in slowly. Tiny sips.

“Ow,” cried Lance as both Pidge and Hunk leaned on him at the same time in order to get up.

“Y’okay?” asked Keith, reaching down a muscular arm barely contained by jacket and pulling Lance to his feet with one yank like Keith was soooo strong and Lance was soooo fragile. And - oops - he was forced to look at him all at once.

“Did you get hotter?” demanded Lance. Double oops. He’d said the inside thought out loud.

“What?” gasped Keith, stepping back and releasing Lance. Except Lance hadn’t found his footing yet and he fell right back down.

“You okay?” asked Hunk, turning back from trying to fix the wall of the fort. He grabbed Lance by the shoulders and set him on his feet again.

“Yeah, it’s just… are you seeing this?” demanded Lance, gesturing towards Keith.

“Hey Keith,” said Hunk.

“Hey,” answered Keith.

“How do you even recognize him?” hissed Lance.

“Are you high?” asked Pidge. “Because I was going to surprise y’all and say the Bell Hop said he’d hook me up, but if you’ve got your own stash, do share.”

“I’m not high and yes, obviously I recognize Keith, but that’s not the usual model. This one is,” Lance twisted up his mouth, trying to come up with the word, “leveled up!”

“I showered,” said Keith.

“And you shaved,” said Lance, sticking a finger in Keith’s face.

“I always shave when I’m not on mission,” argued Keith.

“Everywhere?” pressed Lance.

“That’s confidential!”

“Retracted! But you did more than just shave,” said Lance, scratching his chin. “Aha! You put on mascara!”

“No, I didn’t.”

“So your eyelashes are always that long and dark?”

“Yes!”

“Okay, but… you styled your eyebrows!”

“I don’t even know what that means.”

“You’re right… You’ve always had nice eyebrows. Oh I know! Your hair!”

“My hair,” said Keith, stepping back which was a huge tell. “This grown out mullet?”

“But it doesn’t look mulletty…”

“It’s in a ponytail,” said Keith, defensive.

“Yeah, but the ends are…” Lance put a hand over his mouth and gasped. “Did you trim your hair?”

Keith did a quick pace back and forth before saying, “There were scissors in the grooming kit in the bathroom!”

“Oh my quiznak, Keith! Did you…,” Lance leans in to check, “You used products in your hair too?”

“The bottles were just sitting there!” cried Keith, his shoulders rising up to his ears.

Lance leaned in and sniffed as close to Keith as he could before Keith leaned away. “You smell good!” said Lance, pointing at him.

“Why is that a bad thing?” demanded Keith.

“This is very strange behaviour for you!”

“Did you or did you not tell us all to ‘get glammed up, buttercups,’” said Keith, using air quotes, “because we’re your entourage and how we look reflects on you?”

“I did, but I meant shower and put on the clothes I picked. Pidge didn’t even brush their hair.”

“Who are you? My mom?” snapped Pidge from their perch on Hunk’s shoulders where they were tying a blanket to the chandelier.

“Your mom shouldn’t have to remind you,” said Hunk. “You’re in your twenties now.”

“And my hair is my business!”

“So is mine,” said Keith.

“Nope, no it’s not,” said Lance, turning back on Keith. “Not when you’re trying to be hotter than me on my birthday.” The last bit came out as a whine as he flopped against Keith.

“It’s your birthday tomorrow,” grumbled Keith.

“You know what I mean,” said Lance, pouting and refusing to unwrap himself from Keith. “I just don’t want you upstaging me.”

“No one could ever upstage you, Lance.”

This caught Lance’s attention as he stood back up straight. “Because my ass looks amazing in these pants?”

“Uhhhh,” said Keith, his eyes drifting down to inspect Lance’s rear.

“Oh, hold the phone!” said Pidge, “Look at Keith’s butt!”

Dammit. Can they talk about Lance’s butt for ten ticks?!

“Keith is also working these pants,” said Hunk.

“Yes, it’s spectacular but so is -” Lance was cut off by Pidge.

“What is this material anyway?” They stretched out their legs. “Is it moving or is that a trick of the light?”

“I think it’s moving,” said Keith, holding out the arms of his jacket. The material looked like a liquid galaxy that was shifting, but with each with different coloured nebula on each outfit.

“Now mine might seem like it has a little extra sparkle,” said Lance, “But that’s only because I’m the birthday boy and you know I love to razzle dazzle.” Okay, so he hadn’t specified to AJ that outfits should be matching, but at least his did have sparkles… And the colours did match their Paladin colours which was somehow related to the dress code maybe?

“What’s that look?” asked Hunk while Lance considered the three of them.

“Zesty, Spicy, Jalapeno Cheddar,” said Lance pointing to Hunk, Keith, and Pidge in turn. “And I’m Cool Ranch Festive!”

“Uh, if you wanna be,” said Keith.

“Oh guys, my Bell Hop hookup is texting me,” said Pidge, looking at their communicator. “Idea… should we do ecstasy tonight?”

“Yes,” said Keith and Lance in unison at the same time that Hunk said, “No.”

Everyone turned to look at the nah-sayer. Hunk blushed and threw out his arms and waved them. “I mean you guys go ahead. Just because drugs give me panic attacks doesn’t mean you should miss out. It’s your party, Lance. I - I’ll just look out for you all. Make sure you don’t get into trouble.”

“Cool,” said Keith and Pidge in unison as Lance, “No, forget it. I don’t want you to have to play mom all night, Hunk. It’s not fun unless we all do it. We don’t need drugs. We can just get high off our friendship, right guys?” Lance wrapped an arm around Hunk and turned to see Pidge and Keith whispering together (they were always doing that!) “Guys?”

“Right, no,” said Pidge while Keith said, “What are we talking about?”

“Having one more drink then heading to the club,” said Lance taking the steps two at a time to stand in front of their private elevator doors. DING! The doors opened to reveal a Bell Hop with a cart of drinks.

“How did he do that?” asked Hunk.

“Yo,” said the Bell Hop tossing Pidge a bag of something green. Well, Lance knew what it was.

“Cool, I’ll transfer the credits.”

“You really just doing drug deals so casual?” asked Hunk.

Pidge shrugged. “We don’t know what’s legal and what isn’t on this planet. I probably did something totally on the level right now. There’s no way of knowing.”

“We could find out,” said Hunk. “Lance, what’s this planet called?”

“Oh hey, cocktails,” said Lance, shoving a drink into Hunk’s hand. “So what do we think? Drinksies then leave is fivesies?”

Lance heard a familiar SPARK and turned to see Pidge firing up their bong. “I’mma need a bit more time than that,” said Pidge, blowing out the smoke.

********

However many minutes later (Lance’s watch was looking a little blurry at this point.) Keith, Lance, and Pidge were sprawled out on bean bag chairs while Hunk worked on rebuilding the fort around them. Lance didn’t remember there being bean bag chairs in the living room when he arrived… Did Pidge and Hunk order them through room service? He was kinda impressed. Made a mental note to think or more fun things to have the hotel staff bring up ‘just ‘cause.’

“Aren’t we s’posed t’be somewhere?” asked Pidge.

“The rooftop bar for Lance’s birthday,” said Hunk, hustling by them with a pile of linens.

“Isn’t Lance’s birthday t’morrow?” asked Keith. Lance and Pidge both started laughing, causing Keith to go. “Wha?... Wha? Wha’d I say?” 

Lance rolled himself off his bag, landing on his stomach on the plush carpet. He needed to make his way to Keith because he needed to talk to him about… that thing they were just talking about. Umm…

“What’re you doing?” asked Pidge.

“I wanna be over there,” said Lance, running his arm along the carpet so it pointed at Keith’s bean bag chair.

“You can’t be there. Keith is already there.”

“Don’t tell me what to do,” grumbled Lance. Ugh Keith was so far away. “I’ll never make it!”

“You’re literally three inches from your destination,” argued Pidge.

“I’mma wormhole over,” said Lance, going to unclasp his watch.

“Don’t wormhole to me,” chuckleed Keith.

“That’s not how you do it,” said Pidge, kicking Lance’s wrist. 

“Ow!”

“You need the watch to make the wormhole, remember?” said Pidge, leaning over Lance, eyes bugging out.

“Oh right… Maybe I just crawl.” So he did painstakingly until he was able to crawl up and lay down on top of Keith.

“Where did you come from?” asked Keith, startling as soon as he noticed Lance was on top of him. Had he not just told him he was coming over?

“My beanbag chair is leaking, I need to share yours,” lied Lance.

“That’s the same excuse you used for your innertube.”

“And you gotta save me from drowning again!” insisted Lance.

“You weren’t drowning.”

“Which time?” asked Lance.

“All the times,” said Keith.

“Hmmph,” said Lance, laying his head to rest on Keith’s chest.

Normally, if Lance got touchy with Keith, he’d get all squirmy, but high Keith stayed calmed and even dropped an arm across Lance’s back. Lance felt like he’d befriended a bear in the wild. He didn’t want to spook it with any sudden movements so he just lay still.

“How the hell is your bean bag chair leaking? How did you pop that and your innertube?” asked Keith. Oh, we’re back on that.

“I dunno,” said Lance, “maybe my bony butt did it.” he reached back and slapped his own ass. One hand per cheek.

“It’s not bony,” said Keith.

“Well, everyone seems utterly underwhelmed by it.” C’mon Keith. Compliment Lance’s ass already!

“It doesn’t make any sense,” said Hunk, rushing by with an arm full of pillows.

“That’s what I’m saying!” said Lance.

“Yeah, let’s get to the bottom of your butt,” said Keith, laughing. “Bottom of your butt... oh quiznak…”

Hunk dropped the pillows on the ground. “No, I mean this is supposed rooftop bar,” said Hunk, making air quotes around every single word. “Why can’t I hear it above us?”

They all directed their gaze to the blanket hanging above their heads. “That’s a blanket,” said Pidge.

“Do you think the blanket is the roof?” asked Lance. It was possible that despite their best efforts to keep Hunk from getting high (see: no efforts at all) he may have had a wee bit of a contact high (or an actual high from them hotboxing inside the fort.)

“How does the blanket support the dancefloor?” asked Keith.

“No, it’s not the roof,” said Lance with a laugh.

“Oh…”

“I know the blanket isn’t the roof,” said Hunk, pacing back and forth. “I meant the ceiling is the roof, but if there’s a rooftop bar and we’re the penthouse suite then the roof is above us so why can’t we hear the bar, huh?” demanded Hunk, throwing his arms out. “Where’s the noise?”

“I’ll bring the noise,” said Keith, pumping a fist in the air.

Lance started laughing again. “What does that mean?”

“Focus,” said Hunk, clapping his hands because apparently the one way to make Hunk mean is to get him high and paranoid. “Why can’t we hear the bar above us?”

“Hunk,” said Lance, twisting to sit up (and realizing in the process he was sitting in Keith’s lap.) “The resort has many buildings. One of those buildings has a rooftop bar. But not this one. We are the top floor in this one.”

“Oh… Yeah, that makes sense. My bad,” said Hunk, his voice going cheery again as he rubbed the back of his neck. “I’ll just finish up reenforcing the fort walls. I’ll be ready to go whenever you three are.”

“No, Hunk, just relax,” said Pidge, waving at him.

“I can’t because when we get back from the bar, we’ll be too drunk to fix the fort so it has to be done now.”

“That doesn’t matter,” said Pidge.

“What I’m doing… doesn’t matter?” asked Hunk.

“Just hang with us,” said Pidge. “Pull up Lance’s bean bag chair which is clearly intact and in no way leaking.”

**********

The space weed had Keith at a nice level of comfy and fuzzy. He became aware that he couldn’t participate in the current conversation because he couldn’t see Hunk or Pidge because Lance was sitting up and eclipsing his view. So he sat up too, wrapped his arms around Lance’s middle and pulled him back down so they were both lying stacked on the bean bag chair. Backs down, fronts up with Lance’s ass still in Keith’s lap.

Lance had called his ass bony but it was perfect just like the rest of him. Should Keith tell him that? Was that a good idea?

“What are you doing?” asked Lance now that he was back on top of Keith.

“Couldn’t see anything,” said Keith. That was… that was a good reason to cuddle Lance, right? Oh quiznak he was cuddling with Lance by choice! And his neck was right there… what if Keith just nuzzled it and maybe kissed it a little bit…?

No, no! Control yourself, Keith!

“What planet is this?” asked Keith, because it was the only words he could think of that weren’t ‘I’m in love with you.’

“Why do you need to know that?” asked Lance.

“Why won’t you tell us that?”

“Because if you know where we are, you’ll form an escape plan,” scolded Lance. “And I wanna keep you.”

“Does it look like I’m going anywhere?” asked Keith.

“I hope not, I’m cozy.”

“Why won’t you tell us the planet?” asked Pidge.

“What are you hiding?” asked Hunk.

“Let me have a secret,” whined Lance.

“You have many secrets,” said Pidge.

“Hey!” said Lance. “Don’t tell everyone my secrets!”

“I didn’t tell them shit. I said you have more than one secret.”

“As if you don’t!”

“Just ones I’m keeping for other people,” said Pidge. Dammit Pidge! Don’t say that, Lance will press to find out what they are!

“I think I just have the one secret.” Oh fuck. Did Keith say that out loud?

“What’s your secret?,” asked Lance, twisting around so he was laying front to front with Keith and looking right down at his face.

“That’s not fair. You didn’t tell!”

“You shouldn't lie to me, Keith. That’s not what our friendship is about.”

“It’s not a lie. It’s a secret.”

“But would you lie to protect that secret?”

“This is a trap, Keith,” warned Pidge. “Stop talking now.”

Unfortunately, Keiht was high so he couldn’t actually stop talking. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“So what you're saying is,” said Lance, tapping Keith’s chest with his finger. “I can potentially get your secret out of you if I ask the right question because, by your own admission, you won’t lie to protect it.”

“Uh…” Keith was confused and very distracted by the closeness of Lance’s lips. What if… what if he just kissed him? Just to taste him. Just to see if those lips were as soft as they looked. Maybe he could laugh if off as a prank afterwards...

“Okay, question one,” said Lance, smirking. “Do you like it when I climb on top of you?”

Keith was certain his whole body blushed. Did he have to answer that truthfully? Oh shit, he’d promised he would...

“We need to go to the bar!” said Pidge so loudly it startled him. “We need to go right now! Right now!” Keith tore his eyes away from Lance’s lips to see Pidge getting up from their bean bag chair and marching over. They tugged at Lance while going, “Up! Up! Up! No more delaying. I need to eat.”

“Someone’s snacky,’ commented Lance as he got up off Keith with less grace than he usually displayed.

Keith missed him immediately. Which was a grim reminder of how close he was to just blowing his own secret because Lance got really close to him. Ugh.

“Holy quiznak look at the time!” gasped Lance, looking at his countdown watch/portal producer. “We are def past our reso, but I’m sure it’s fine. I’m gonna portal us over to save time so everyone do a quick groomsky and we’ll hole on over.”

Lance skipped out of the fort to go prune himself in a mirror on the wall. Meanwhile, Pidge dragged Keith to standing and pulled him deeper into the fort.

“What is up with you?!” asked Pidge.

“I wanna have sex with Lance on a bean bag chair,” confessed Keith. “I don’t care if you and Hunk are watching. If it started, I would not stop.”

“Yeah, I could tell that! That’s why I stepped in. Also, what happened to your whole ‘ugh don’t say I want to fuck him I’m in love with him baaaaaaaa.’” Pidge used the whiniest voice while impersonating Keith.

“Fine! I love him and I want to fuck him! Is there something wrong with that?… You know… besides him being straight and not feeling the same way.”

“Agree to disagree on the topic of Lance’s straightness, but I will ask you once more, can you actually handle tonight or do you need me to call in a bomb threat?”

“Pidge, if you called in the bomb threat, you know what would happen?”

“No, what?”

“Hunk and Lance would want us to lead the resort evacuation and track down the fictional bomb!”

“Oh right… we’re heroes…,” said Pidge, sounding so annoyed by this reminder. “Okay, maybe we can say your tummy hurts and you have to stay back?”

“No, no, it’s fine. I can go, just no more getting high.”

“What?!” cried Pidge. “What about our top secret plan to sneakily do ecstasy?”

“I’m sorry, Pidge, I can’t risk it.”

“But -”

“Yoohoo!” called out Lance’s voice. “What are you two chittering about? No side convos. Group convos only.”

Keith and Pidge shared a look, but walked out of the fort.

“Nightlife, here we come,” said Lance, cracking his knuckles. His palm flitted over his watch and then he threw it out forward and a wormhole burst into existence before them, obscuring the elevator.

“You sure that’s going to the right place?” asked Hunk, nervously. “You’re not exactly sober.”

“Only one way to find out,” said Lance, stepping through.

“C’mon, big guy,” said Pidge, grabbing Hunk’s arm and tugging him through. “If we end up in the vacuum of space at least -” Whatever reassurance Pidge was about to offer was cut off from Keith’s ear range as they disappeared through the portal.

“Here we go…,” muttered Keith before following the rest of them through the wormhole.


	4. Altean Jesus

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> They head to the bar and Lance meets his fans (who adore him almost a fraction as much as Keith does.)

“See! I told you I’d get us there!” announced Lance as they stepped out of a wormhole and onto the rooftop bar. He put away his Bayard and Keith stashed his blade.

“Then what was with that detour on the ice planet?” barked Pidge, rubbing the feeling back into their arms.

“Okay, well most people would pay top dollar for that kind of tour experience so you’re welcome,” said Lance, forcing annoyance into his tone.

“I’m exhausted from fighting off those ice worms,” groaned Hunk.

“So we worked up a hunger!” said Lance, enthusiastically.

“I don’t think I’ll ever get their screaming out of my head,” said Keith, twisting a finger inside my ear. 

“Now you’re just being dramatic,” said Lance. “Everyone made it with all their fingers and toes so we’re going to file this under WIN and hello.” Lance turned his attention to the alien hostess who had just arrived to greet them. “Reservation for -”

“Lance McClain!” she blurted out, cutting him off. “I’m a huge fan!”

“Are you?” said Lance, dropping an elbow onto the hostess stand. The resulting giggle was so familiar to Pidge. Every damn fan on every damn planet every damn year makes that giggle when Lance graces them with his attention.

You’d think he’d get tired of it. He had to be faking acting flattered once in awhile, right? But then again it was Lance and he fed on attention like it was oxygen. Pidge really couldn’t relate. They’d never needed the approval of anyone really and only cared about the attention from a few choice loved ones.

“We’ve got the top level VIP lounge all ready for you. Shall I take you up there now?”

“Lead the way,” said Lance, being as dashing as possible.

When she turned to lead them, Lance spun back around and whispered to the three of them. “What about her? Contender, right? What do you think?”

Pidge couldn’t help looking to Keith for his reaction. The bit of shock followed by the crestfallen disappointment that yes, this was happening again this year and Lance was going to force him to help him.

“I think she’ll be working,” said Pidge, answering before Lance pushed an opinion out of Keith on a woman (of all things.)

“Right…,” said Lance, like a professional time conflict is something that would never occur to him because he’s so used to always doing whatever he wants. “Well, the night is young. Plenty of beauties here tonight.”

Lance almost veered off to the side, away from the metal staircase their host was leading them towards, to peek over to the tables on this level. 

“Don’t show your face,” said Pidge, grabbing him by the chin and directing him back to their path. “They’ll swarm us.”

“I don’t mind being swarmed,” said Lance.

“I’m hungry,” said Keith, backing Pidge up in their attempts to keep Lance focused. It was for his sake after all. They didn’t need to start the evening with Lance flirting with every pretty face in the entire bar directly in front of him. Keith deserved to be extremely drunk before that inevitably happened and that ice planet detour/battle to the death with a pack of ice worms had sobered the whole group up, sadly.

“This way,” said the hostess, directing their attention to the metal staircase she was ascending. 

Pidge approached and looked up, taking in the structure that formed the rooftop bar. The whole thing was open air, but with partitions made of crisscrossing metal giving them impressions of walls. Looking up there were several levels like this with metal walkways with gratelike floors. Lights decorated every inch that wasn’t a surface for eating/sitting/walking. It was like an alien took a look at fire escapes and said, ‘that’s where humans hangout outside’ but then made it huge and hip and shiny.

“This is, um, safe looking,” said Hunk, grabbing hold of the rail as he started up the steps.

“Do I detect a hint of sarcasm?” snorted Pidge, stepping up after him.

“Brawn before beauty,” said Lance, sweeping an arm to allow Keith onto the stairs before him.

“Then when would it be your turn?” asked Keith, being snarky. 

Lance gasped dramatically. “Words hurt, Keith. Especially in regards to my appearance and especially considering recent events.”

“What recent events?” asked Keith.

Pidge lost the thread with that convo when they noticed Hunk had stopped just a few steps up and was looking up again. “Not exactly accessible is it?” said Hunk, that natural fret of his taking over.

“I guess if there’s no elevator, we can always offer Kosmo’s teleportation services to anyone who can’t do stairs,” said Lance.

“No! Don’t summon him!” snapped Keith. 

Too late!

ZAP!

From the heavens Kosmo appeared. Well… Not exactly. He zapped himself way up in the air near the top of the structure then let gravity drop him down to the base of the stairs, landing gracefully on his comic wolf legs.

“Kosmo!” snapped Keith, grabbing the horse-sized beast by wrapping his arms around his neck, “you can’t be in -” which is all he got out before Kosmo ZAPPED both of them away.

“Can’t be in what?” asked Hunk.

“We’ll never know,” said Pidge.

ZAP! ZAP! ZAP!

The three of them plus the hostess watched as Kosmo appeared then disappeared on every level leading up. Keith, unable to get any footing, looked like a ragdoll being dragged along for the ride.

The noise was drawing attention and all around Pidge saw heads at tables turning and gasping at the sight of them teleporting around the bar.

Oop. A spectacle and Lance wasn’t at the centre of it. How long until…

“KOSMO!” bellowed Lance, directing this where the comic wolf was currently situated at the very top, balanced on a rail that didn’t look safe to support this weight. “Bring Keith back please!”

Kosmo responded with a throat growl and a nose up in the air. Meanwhile, Keith had an opportunity to move onto his pet’s back.

“He’s not ignoring you!” said Lance as if Kosmo had presented this argument. “He’s just celebrating my birthday with me.”

“Your birthday is tomorrow!” Keith yelled down.

“My birthday starts at midnight, Keith! And you’re not helping your case!”

Kosmo barked.

“I agree!” yelled Lance. “Keith, has gotten snarkier lately!”

“He didn’t say that,” said Hunk.

“He did. Inside my head,” said Lance. “He also told me he’s got a name that isn’t Kosmo, but don’t tell Keith that because it would mean all three of us would be in for a big ol’ ‘I told ya so’ from the Snark Master up there.”

Pidge couldn’t tell if Lance was shitting them or not. 

“Um,” said the hostess, looking uncomfortable. “Should I get my manager or…?”

“No, no, he’ll come down,” said Lance then he turned to look up and yelled, “Pretty please bring Keith down?”

“The big wolf being down here wasn’t the goal I had in mind…Ah!” the hostess jumped back as Kosmo jumped all the way back down to the main level.

There was a collective gasp when he landed. Keith went to slide off Kosmo’s back at the same time Lance went to help him (why would Keith need help?) This just meant Lance was in Keith’s space for his landing so they ended up pressed together AGAIN. Pidge really needed to take a shot every time Lance found a way to touch Keith and make him gay panic.

“We are going to need parking for one cosmic wolf,” said Hunk, speaking to the hostess.

“Um, the VIP lounge has room,” she pointed up and Kosmo immediately ZAPPED away leaving the site of Lance holding onto Keith’s shoulders while Keith looks completely stunned in the gayest way.

“Oh my god!” shouted someone in the bar. Keith rocketed backwards into the empty floor space Kosmo had just occupied. “It’s Lance McClain!”

Shit. Here comes the swarm.

All at once, the chairs throughout the bar were pushed back and everyone rushed towards their group. Keith went into defensive mode and grabbed Lance by the arm and pushed him up the first few steps so he could guard the bottom of the steps. (This may seem like overkill, but the first year when Lance got swarmed by fans, Keith actually drew his blade.)

The stairs began to shake and Pidge turned to see more people trying to come down the stairs to meet Lance.

“Whoa, whoa, whoa!” said Hunk, jogging up the steps so he could herd people backwards. “There is definitely a weight limit on these steps that’s being violated.” Once he got them to back off, he set himself up to guard the top of the stairs.

Pidge looked back down at the press of aliens now gathered at the bottom of the stairs, yelling and calling out excitedly to Lance. Keith stood at the bottom of the steps with his arms crossed over his chest, beefy and intimidating like a real bodyguard.

Meanwhile, Lance looked so flattered and cheery to see everyone in the bar trying to speak to him at once. Most of them had recording devices held up. Lance of course needed to put on a good show.

“Whoa, okay guys, okay,” said Lance, waving his arms with a big smile on his face. “Everybody’s shouting at once so it’s a bit too loud.”

Him addressing them only amped up the shrieks of excitement and the press of people.

“I know!” laughed Lance. “I’m excited to be with you guys too.”

Pidge had to suppress a gag. Why were they stuck in the middle of this and nowhere near the bar? Life isn’t fair.

“How about I answer some questions,” said Lance. “Anyone got a question?”

Hands shot up everywhere, filling Pidge peripherals. “If you answer more than three, I am pantsing you in front of everyone,” muttered Pidge so only Lance could hear.

“It’ll be quick,” he whispered over his shoulder.

“It never is,” groaned Pidge.

Lance ignored them and pointed into the crowd, “You. Over here. What’s your question?”

Every turned to look at a tiny green, bug eyed alien as they lowered their hand. “What are you doing back on - ?”

“I’m here to celebrate my birthday,” said Lance, which resulted in an outcry of people yelling ‘happy birthday’ at him. 

The fact that he interrupted the question before the planet was named was not lost on Pidge. They said the word ‘back’ so this was a planet Lance had been on before…

“His birthday is tomorrow,” said Keith, interrupting Pidge’s deduction.

“It’s at moon apex. Technically,” said Lance. “Which is in a few hours so…”

The bar erupted in reactions of delight. Pidge wanted to barf.

“Holy quiznak are those the rest of the Paladins?” blurted out the alien directly in front of Keith. Yay for being recognized…

“Yeah, this is the team,” said Lance. ‘The team’ like they were his team or something? “Hunk, Pidge, and Keith.” He pointed at them and Hunk before twisting to the front and dropping his hands down on bodyguard-mode Keith’s shoulders. “They’re my best friends so of course I celebrate my birthday every year.”

As he spoke Lance began to absentmindedly kneed Keith’s shoulders. Pidge couldn’t see Keith’s face from where they were standing, but they were certain it was very gay and panicked at the public display of intimacy.

“Where’s Shiro?” called out someone from the back.

“Shiro’s very busy with Admiral duties, but he usually calls to check in at some point.”

There was still a sea of hands raised so Lance pointed at someone and they asked, in a very rushed voice, “Do you miss Allura?”

“Every day,” said Lance, automatically.   
Pidge knew he got that question constantly ever since his fame made him recognizable. The first year they’d done his birthday post-fame he’d handled the question well enough, but had gone to the bathroom to have a breakdown afterwards. Pidge only knew because Hunk had been with him. Pidge had been staying close to Keith who had completely stopped talking afterwards. Pidge wasn’t exactly Keith’s therapist but they knew well enough that Keith struggled with the universe’s largest inferiority complex when it came to comparing himself to Allura. Worse than that, as he was Voltron’s leader when she died, he held a lot of guilt for her death.

But Lance wasn’t supposed to be privy to any of those feelings.

Yep. Just more secrets for Pidge to keep a lid on.

“You’re over three questions,” grumbled Pidge, hoping they could shift the mood away from all of them secretly trying not to have their PTSD triggered and focus on how Pidge is a grumpy asshole who needs to be fed at regular intervals.

“Those were warmups,” muttered Lance. He was never one to give up the spotlight so quickly. “You,” said Lance, pointing to an alien in a flapper dress a few rows in.

“Can you meet my friend?” they yelled out, far too loudly for the distance between her and Lance.

“Your friend?” Lance actually sounded a bit thrown.

“Please!” said an alien of the same species that was standing beside them. “Her name is Zenna and she’s shy, but you really need to meet her.”

“Zenna!” yelled the first alien.

“ZENNA, WHERE ARE YOU?” bellowed the second.

Pidge had a bad feeling about this. They saw Keith shared the same ill feeling as his hand discreetly slid under his jacket to where his blade was concealed.

Finally someone must’ve located Zenna because one of the staff began moving through the crowd, escorting someone to the front who was far too short to be seen over everyone else’s heads.

A murmur travelled through the crowd, moving like a wave along with Zenna. Yeah, something was up for sure. Pidge’s suspicions were confirmed when the crowd parted at the front to let this ‘Zenna’ through and they finally saw what everyone was gawking at.

Bright green Altean marks sat on Zenna’s cheeks. She wasn’t Altean in looks otherwise. She was only three feet tall, her skin was blue, her eyes were bright yellow (all three of them,) and her ears were high up on her head and reminded Pidge vaguely of bunny ears.

Pidge noticed Keith remove his hand from his weapon when he saw her, which was a good thing because the next second Lance was pushing him out of his way so he could kneel down in front of Zenna and meet her eye.

“Zenna, I presume. The name’s Lance.” He took her hand and lifted it to his lips, planting a soft kiss there. 

Pink grew on Zenna’s blue cheeks while Pidge rolled their eyes so hard, they almost pitched themselves over the side of the stairs.

“I’m guessing it’s because of those marks that your friends wanted me to meet you. Do you want to tell me about them?”

“Um, well…” began Zenna.

“Can’t hear you!” yelled someone from a level above.

“Can’t hear you!” echoed three more people.

Obviously Zenna was too shy to project like Lance with his actor voice and it was super rude of everyone in the bar who seemed to feel entitled to overhearing this conversation.

Out of nowhere the hostess pushed passed Pidge and came pounding down the stairs with a microphone in hand. Oh, so that’s where she went. Why wasn’t she showing them to their VIP lounge? Pidge just wanted to go relax instead of witnessing this spectacle.

The hostess handed off the microphone to Lance.

“It’s okay, you can tell us,” said Lance, holding out the microphone so Zenna could speak into it. “We’re all friends here.”

There was a chuckle that moved through the crowd and it seemed to put Zenna at ease. Pidge contemplated whether throwing themselves off the side of the stairs would knock them out long enough to skip the interview portion of the evening.

“Well, I - um - I guess it’s a bit like your marks. They appeared the day the war ended.”

Everyone in the bar ohhh’d as if this weren’t the most commonly told story in the universe.

“Yeah, that sounds familiar,” said Lance reassuringly. “That what’s happened to me.” Lance always leaves out the part of the story where Allura kissed the marks into him, but Pidge wasn’t about to publicly correct him. “And my entire family too.”

“Yeah,” said Zenna. “And then exactly a deca-phoeb later I woke up in the middle of the night because they were glowing and -” Zenna stopped and looked around nervously.

“It’s okay, Zee, you can tell him!” yelled one of her friends.

“Well - uh - that’s when my powers started.” The entire bar gasped and Zenna shrunk down from the attention.

Lance remained calm, nodding like it was just an interesting anecdote about what happened to her at the grocery store. He was used to this. It wasn’t his first ‘I found out I’m part Altean, Jerry Springer’ confession story.

“What kind of powers?” asked Lance, amusement in his voice like he was asking what the hot goss’ around the office is. Dear lord, Pidge needed a drink. How did these people keep finding him? Oh right, because he liked to be found...

“Like, I can - uh -”

Quiznak. This was taking all night.

“Show him, Zee!” yelled one of the friends.

“Yeah, just show him!”

Zenna nodded and then she stood up taller. Way taller. No, wait, she wasn’t just straightening up, she was growing. Growing so tall, Lance no longer had to kneel and stood back up. Grew so tall she soon overtook his true height and then some, coming to stand even taller than Pidge’s eye level (and they were standing part way up a staircase.)

The crowd oh’d and aw’d until her height finally set at a full story high then the whole bar burst into applause.

“Now that’s impressive,” said Lance, his voice full of warmth. Then he himself started to grow, rising up to meet Zenna’s height.

Pidge had to look away. They always hated watching Lance change shape. It wasn’t just that they prefered him looking like himself. Nor was it the unease that growing was Allura’s power and it felt wrong seeing Lance using it. It was mostly the fact that when he did grow, his clothes stretched with him, defying all laws of science.

Like… what the fuck?! His clothes weren’t part of him, they should’ve ripped up Hulk style when he grew, leaving just tattered pants just to save them from being flashed his trouser veggie medley. It was maddening to Pidge on a scientific level.

“Save it for your therapist,” muttered Pidge to themselves. Or at the very least, until they could pull Keith aside and commiserate with him over how fucking bullshit the growing power thing was.

The crowd was eating up every second of the spectacle of course. When the cheers settled down just a bit, Lance started speaking, “Your experience is one of millions, Zenna. A unique part of a tapestry of stories that happened simultaneously across the entire universe.” 

Lord, he was going to do his full speech… 

“All of us connected by a shared Altean heritage we never knew we had until Allura’s sacrifice awakened that part of our DNA. All at once, everyone who had the potential to be Altean, became Altean.”

The bar erupted in applause, but Lance gestured for them to settle down so he could continue.

“Our ancestors were shapeshifters - obviously,” he gestured at Zenna, “and when the war began 10,000 years ago our people hid ourselve across galaxies, blending in with the locals and ultimately finding love and having children. Our Altean part may be a fraction of our identities, but thanks to the infusion of quintessence in the universe, many of us gained the powers as if we were born fully Altean.”

Pidge was so sick of Lance’s messiah speech. They looked over to Keith and shared an eye roll with him. Hey, Pidge didn’t think any of these events were a bad thing, hell, they were the one who started the Altean DNA testing years ago and came up with the now accepted theory Lance was pontificating about. They were just bored.

“It was destiny,” continued Lance, “as if designed by Allura herself,” okay, that part Pidge did not have scientific data to back up, “that a new Altea would appear along with all of our true identities emerging. Which is why I dedicate much of my time to connecting new Alteans to our new homeworld.” Lance looked at Zenna. “Tell me, have you been to New Altea?”

Zenna shook her head no.

“Leave your comm ID with the staff,” instructed Lance. “I’m going to have someone in my office contact you and we’ll set up a tour with me as your personal guide.”

“Really?” gasped Zenna, the first loud thing she’d said.

“Of course. I’d be happy to show you around. Invite your friends if you’d like.” Then Lance shot a wink over towards them and they collapsed into a fit of giggles.

“Gag me with a spoon,” Pidge muttered.

“Now if you don’t mind,” said Lance, shrinking back down while Zenna did the same. “I’m going to go enjoy dinner with my friends. It was a pleasure to meet you, Zenna. And I’ll see the rest of you on the dancefloor later.” Cue finger guns.

Good old predictable Lance. Just as predictable was Keith moving in front of him to protect him from the crowd that still tried to press in towards him. Lance kept reaching out and touching people’s hands as Keith shuffled him onto the staircase. They found their hostess again who caught up to them on the next level then showed them to a second staircase, leading them past more of Lance’s fans that reached out to touch him like he was Altean Jesus.

***********

“You should hire an actual bodyguard,” said Keith when they were ascending the second set of stairs. Keith was always worried that one of these days a fan would pull a weapon on Lance and he wouldn’t be there.

“I can take care of myself just fine,” said Lance, turning around and giving Keith a wink. “Though it’s cute you want to protect me.”

“I didn’t mean me!” sputtered Keith, worried he was about to blush. “I have a job!”

“I don’t like that Zenna person,” said Pidge, out of nowhere. Good on Pidge to always change the subject when Keith got too gay to function. 

“You just don’t like her because she delayed your access to alcohol,” said Lance.

“It’s not just that. She was sus,” said Pidge as they started up a third set of stairs. “How do you know she’s actually Altean? I’ve read about fanatics tattooing Altean marks on their cheeks just so they can move to New Altea.”

Keith had seen stories like that too, but mostly in space tabloids.

“She grew, Pidge!” exclaimed Lance. “She grew like ten feet!”

“Maybe her species could already shapeshift! It’s not just an Altean thing, ya know!”

“The Benlealls can’t shapeshift,” said Hunk. Keith was surprised to hear him chime in and a bit confused. “That’s the kind of alien she was,” said Hunk, clarifying.

“Okay, maybe she was legit,” admitted Pidge, “but chances are there are fakers on that planet of yours.”

“So what?” said Lance.

“So what!” gasped Keith. “Do I have to begin to explain to you the security risk that poses?”

“You should let me do DNA tests on everyone like we did at the beginning,” said Pidge. “Relying on marks alone means imposters can slip in.”

“Not every deception is for the sake of harming people,” said Lance. “Some people lie just to feel included. Everyone deserves to have a home planet, even if they weren’t born there.If someone is so desperate to find a new homeworld where they can belong that they tattoo fake marks on their skin then that’s fine with me. ”

“What?!” gasped Pidge, but Keith was starting to come around.

“There are lots of different kinds of Alteans,” explained Lance, “and about one third of them have no powers at all. So if someone wants to fake their way in, they’ll feel right at home. We don’t do DNA testing to earn citizenship and we’re not exclusive to Alteans anyway. As long as I’m involved with populating the planet, we won’t discriminate.”

“You’re too trusting and I both hate and love that about you,” sighed Pidge.

“I love you too, Pidge,” said Lance.

“Also, when you refer to it as ‘populating…’”

“Here we are,” said the hostess when they reached the top. “This whole area is yours for the night.”

“Aw sick!” yelled Pidge, running ahead onto the deck that extended out from the rooftop structure.

“Wait!” called out Hunk, running after them. “We don’t know that it’s structurally sound. This is a new build, it could be dangerous!”

At least this part wasn’t metal grating, but hardwood with steps to a higher level lit up by LEDs. That level had a private bar and -

“Our own private DJ! Are you serious?!” yelled Pidge. 

“Look at that view,” said Keith. He strode past their private lounge area (where Kosmo was currently napping,) the DJ booth, and the bar and walked out onto (what Hunk thought of as precarious but to Keith looked perfectly stable) the balcony jutting out over the rooftop structure and the hotel. It was surely a far drop down, but Keith too was busy looking out at the stunning view. 

Below them there was a beach giving way to an ocean, stretching out far to the horizon. The moon hanging above was distorted in the reflection on the water as the waves lapped at the shore. 

“Whoa,” said Pidge, looking out beside him. “Hunk, you gotta come see this!”

“Uh, I’m good back here,” he said, standing back with the hostess.

“How was there an ocean here the whole time and you didn’t drag us out there to go surfing?” Keith asked of Lance as he joined the two of them at the lookout spot.

“Was it here the whole time?” asked Lance, sounding assumed.

Keith cocked an eyebrow.

“What’s this dial?” asked Pidge, excitedly. Near the center of the lookout there was a tiny podium, large enough to host an oversized dial.

“Pidge, don’t!” cried out Hunk from behind them. “It might be the eject button!”

But of course Pidge did not heed Hunk’s warning. They gave the dial an enthusiastic twist. The ocean was wiped away and replaced by the New York skyline.

“Ah! Did we teleport?” asked Hunk. “We teleported, didn’t we?”

Pidge twisted the dial again and the view wiped to daytime London then dusk on a frozen tundra then it was waterfalls then the Pyramids then… Lance grabbed Pidge’s hand to stop them from turning again.

“Let’s not make Hunk motion sick,” he scolded. “If there’s going to be any puking on this trip, let it be hangover puking tomorrow.”

“What is this even?” asked Keith, looking at the dial.

“Part of the VIP experience is getting to choose the resort view,” said the hostess. “You can choose a live view of anywhere on Earth.”

“That’s kind of invasive,” said Hunk at the same time Pidge said, “Let’s spy on people!”

“How about the birthday boy picks,” said Lance, leaning over to twist the knob.

“Tomorrow’s your birthday,” said Keith, automatically.

“Shush,” said Lance, twisting until the scene settled on a second beach scene. It was night, but from the silhouette of the little houses and the palm trees, Keith recognized it without ever having visited.

“Varadero,” said Keith, quietly.

“No place like home,” said Lance. Of course Lance didn’t live in Varadero. He lived on Altea, yet maybe he hadn’t adopted it as his homeworld like his speech had suggested?

“Let me show you the other features,” said the hostess. “The AI bartender knows every drink that’s ever existed on Earth.”

Pidge went jogging over to catch up to her and Hunk while Keith and Lance dawdled behind.

“I liked what you said earlier,” said Keith.

“Of course,” said Lance. “But which part specifically?”

“About Altea being open to anyone searching for a home planet.”

“So you are thinking of moving to Altea?” asked Lance, jumping to a strange conclusion.

“And the AI DJ knows every song known to humankind,” said the hostess.

“Oh yeah?” said Pidge, sounding skeptical. “Play a Gregorian chant.”

Keith watched the android in the DJ booth press a few buttons and then the sounds of monks chanting filled the air.

“I guess they really do have every song,” said Hunk.

“Sweet!” said Pidge.

“While you all get settled, I’ll let the kitchen know you’re ready for appetizers,” said the hostess, taking her leave.

Keith headed in the same direction as Lance, which was towards the bar. The bartender was AI too and already had a variety of drinks ready and was shaking up more. Keith really needed another drink after that ice planet battle had completely sobered him up.

“Which one is the most alcoholic?” asked Keith because he wanted something strong and fast. The AI pointed and Keith grabbed two, intending to bring one over for Pidge.

“Someone’s a bit of a lush,” said Lance, teasingly. “And you didn’t answer my question.”

“What question?” asked Keith as if he’d forgotten.

“You moving to Altea?”

“That would suggest I already live somewhere and I don’t,” said Keith.

“Exactly why you’d be in the market,” said Lance.

“I don’t need to live somewhere.”

“Everyone needs a homeworld,” said Lance, “and you don’t seem to be attached to Earth or Daibazaal.”

Keith shrugged then carried the drinks over to Pidge. He handed one to them. Lance followed with something really fruity looking for himself and second for Hunk.

“A toast,” said Lance, holding up his drink. “To another epic night with my favourite people. Anything else we should toast to?”

“To universal peace,” said Hunk.

“To not giving a fuck,” said Pidge. 

“Okay, maybe some conflicting ideas there,” said Lance then he looked at Keith. Pidge and Hunk turned their head expectantly too. Oh, was he supposed to have something to add? He hated making speeches off the cuff.

“To our future,” said Keith, finally. They cheersed and drank. Lance’s gaze held Keith’s so steady he couldn’t look away while he sipped. But then that was Lance’s thing about how it’s bad luck to not hold eye contact after cheersings. He wouldn’t read too much into that...

Meanwhile, monks that were long dead chanted in latin. Keith’s ears perked up as he could swear an electronic beat was gradually getting louder and faster. It stopped and for a moment Keith thought he’d imagined it and then BOOM! beat dropped and a pounding bass backed the chanting.

“Sweet!” said Pidge, throwing their arms up in the air. “It’s the remix.”

Pidge started to dance and Hunk turned away, “I’m going to go check on these incoming appetizers. If their kitchen it’s anything like the main resort kitchen, they’re going to need a complete menu overhaul.”

“Wait, Hunk, you don’t have to do that,” said Lance following after him. This left Keith and Pidge alone.

“Dance with me,” ordered Pidge, throwing their arms up in the air.

“I’m not drunk enough yet,” said Keith, standing perfectly still and taking another gulp of his drink.

“Then hurry up and get there, my dude. I want fun Keith to come out and play again.”

“Hey! I’m fun now,” protested Keith.

“If you were fun, you’d be dancing.”

“It’s monks chanting over EDM!”

“You can’t use a second excuse when you already went with ‘I’m boring.’ Oh, by way!” Pidge leaned in closer but kept on dancing. “How weird was it when Lance grew? I’ll answer for you, super weird!”

“I dunno,” said Keith before downing the rest of his drink. “I didn’t mind it.”

Pidge groaned, clearly disappointed Keith wasn’t going to dunk on the whole growing thing. “Can Lance literally do no wrong in your eyes?”

“He can. I just thought the growing thing was…,” Keith struggled to find the right word,   
“Impressive.”

“Ew! You find it attractive, don’t you, you sick fuck!”

Maybe if that drink hadn’t just hit Keith and made him a bit tipsy, he would’ve denied it. “He’s so big. He could like… pick me up in his arms.”

“You could pick him up in your arms,” said Pidge, “You could! More so now.”

“How? Did I get bigger?” asked Keith, looking at his arms.

“No, but Lance looks thinner than his usual thin self.”

“It’s probably his nutritionist,” said Keith with a shrug. “You know not everything’s a conspiracy, right?”

“What are our options here though? Is he not taking care of himself? Folding to the pressures of the silver screen life? Then maybe he’s actually using his Altean powers all the time to look thinner?”

“What happened to ‘fuck it?’”

“Huh?”

“You toasted to not giving a fuck, but you give so many fuck’s, Pidge. About Lance, about me…”

“Well, I can’t help that! Catastrophizing is my mental distortion of choice. The ‘not giving a fuck’ was aspirational. By the way, have you changed your mind about doing ecstasy with me tonight?”

“Dude, I can’t,” said Keith. “I will spill all my feelings all over this resort. I am years of built up sexual tension ready to erupt.”

“Ew. Is this innuendo?”

“No! … but kinda yes.”

“I will keep you on a leesh so you behave,” said Pidge, stopping their dancing to make prayer hands.

“You would need the shortest leesh in the universe and you can not handle that if you’re also high.”

“Valid point, but also… I just really wanna!” whined Pidge. “Oh shit, they’re coming back. Shut up, shut up, shut up!”

“I promise you the kitchen doesn’t need your help,” said Lance, physically pushing Hunk back towards them. “I had AJ go over the menu already.”

“Who’s AJ?” asked Pidge.

“The, uh, chef,” said Lance, seeming flustered.

“AJ? Okay good,” said Hunk, trying to turn back around. “It’s good to be on a first name basis so I can introduce myself.”

“You are not doing that,” said Lance, using Hunk’s shoulders to twist him back around. “We are sticking together as a group tonight. No wandering off - I’m looking at you, Pidge - No going off to brood somewhere - looking at you, Keith - and no side conversations - looking at you both!”

“You left us!” protested Pidge.

“To stop a runner,” said Lance, patting Hunk on the back. “Anyway, what were we talking about? Oh right, Keith is going to move to Altea.”

“What?” gasped Hunk and Pidge.

“Oh, I definitely said no to that,” said Keith. He tipped back the last of his drink and a tiny drone flew over with a mystery cocktail on a tray. Keith swapped it for his empty.

“But think about it, Keith,” said Lance. “You and me,” Keith had definitely thought of that, “together on Altea...,” this he could get on board with, “... as next door neighbours!” Okay that… wasn’t exactly great, but maybe if they were close in proximity then - Lance interrupted Keith’s thought by adding, “Get ourselves a couple wives, a couple picket fences…” 

Keith’s hopes faded. Pidge snorted.

“Raise some kiddos then maybe one day…”

“What?” asked Keith out of sheer morbid curiosity. They run away together and leave it all behind likely wasn’t the ‘one day’ Lance had in mind.

“Our kids fall in love and make little Lance and Keith combos.”

Pidge’s snort turned into laughter. 

“Well, I think it’s sweet to dream about a domestic life,” said Hunk. “We’re not getting any younger.”

Lance meanwhile was giving Pidge a dirty look. “What's so funny?” He demanded. 

Keith was grateful Lance wasn’t focusing on his reaction because he was definitely dying on the inside.

“It’s just… you are so close to it, but you’re still so far off,” said Pidge.

“Far off from what?” demanded Lance. “What am I missing? Wait… you two aren’t actually together, are you?” Lance looked between Pidge and Keith.

“Huge ass no,” said Pidge while Keith shook his head.

“Then tell me,” insisted Lance. Then he pointed at Keith. “You said you’d never lie in response to a direct question.” Fuck. So he remembered that… “Are you seeing someone?”

That shouldn’t have made Keith laugh, but it did. Maybe the first drink was working overtime.

“That’s not an answer!” choked Lance.

“I’m not seeing anyone,” said Keith, stifling his laugh. “Why? Are you?”

Pidge’s eyes widened like they couldn’t believe Keith had asked that. It was way too close to him following it up with ‘because if you’re single and I’m single…’

“Me? No, no…,” said Lance, seeming nervous. “I mean, you know me. I could never deprive the universe of my Most Eligible Bachelor status. That’s kinda why I need to keep close tabs on Keith’s relationship status because he’s the only real stiff competition for hottest man in the universe.”

“Stiff,” snorted Pidge while Keith willed himself not to blush.

“I may play a bit, but I’d never commit. Which is actually a great segue...” said Lance, wandering over to the rail that looked down over the rest of the rooftop bar. 

Keith had known this was coming and he’d been dreading it. Pidge frowned at him like they wished they could’ve headed off the inevitable conversation a second time. Reluctant, they all joined Lance to look down. (Well, Hunk shut his eyes.)

“So who,” began Lance, looking down at all the patrons below, “will be the lucky one who gets to kiss me at midnight?”


	5. What you got under your shirt

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Phone calls are made, Lance spits out his drink, and Keith can't keep his clothes on.

“Do you really need to do this again?” asked Pidge. “Isn’t it kind of immature?”

“It’s not immature at all,” said Lance. “It’s good luck starting my birthday by kissing the most beautiful person in the place, after myself. Ever since I started this tradition, I’ve had nothing but good years. I mean, before I started, space war. After I started, fame and fortune.”

“And the fact that the space war was over, had nothing to do with that?” asked Pidge, sarcastically.

“If I don’t keep it up, a new war could break out!” said Lance, dramatically.

“Do you really think you have that power?” asked Keith.

“Yes, I do! All of reality basically revolves around our little group so I think we all do really,” said Lance.

“I really hope that isn’t true,” said Hunk. He hoped reality and the universe had moved on to focusing on someone else. He was going to say so, but felt a buzz in his pocket. “Excuse me,” he said though no one seemed to notice. Lance was busy asking Keith’s opinion on who he should kiss.

“Just look around and point out the first girl you find attractive,” said Lance. “Don’t even think about it!”

Hunk slipped away and headed to the more cental (and therefore more solid) part of the VIP lounge. He answered his comm as he walked.

“Hi love, everything okay?” asked Hunk. He was relieved to see Shay was smiling on the other line.

“Everything’s fine!” she said, cheerily. “I didn’t mean to scare you by calling. I just wanted to know how the vacation is going. Are you drunk yet?”

“Uh, no, we fought some ice worms and that took away the small buzz I had,” Hunk answered, honestly.

“Ice worms?” repeated Shay. “That sounds fun! Although, how did those end up at an Earth-theme resort?”

“They’re not here. It was a teleportation mishap. Lance should not get high and make wormholes.”

“You sound like you’re making so many memories!” said Shay, excitedly. “I’m so excited to hear your stories when you get back. Try not to get so drunk you can’t remember.”

“Oh, I don’t think I’ll get drunk,” said Hunk, rubbing the back of his head. “I wanna keep a clear head in case, you know… something happens.”

“Hunk,” said Shay, her voice lowering like it does when he’s in trouble. “We talked about this. You need a real vacation. Even if just for a night.”

“I can have a vacation and not get drunk,” said Hunk. “It’s even actually a good idea because this place we’re at has a lot of staircases and I’m not sure everyone’s balance is quite as good as -”

“Huuuuunk,” scolded Shay. “No, assigning yourself the mom of the group. We agreed you’d take a real break. Let loose a bit.”

Hunk looked down and frowned. “But what if -” he began.

“The ‘if’s’ won't change just because you worked really hard at worrying about them,” said Shay, her voice growing more kind. “Worry isn’t a magic spell. It can’t prevent bad things from happening. Whatever is in store, will happen.”

“I just… I just wanna be prepared for the worst.”

“Being prepared might lessen the blow, but it’ll stop you from being happy now.”

“I know, I know,” said Hunk, nodding. “I’m sorry I’m so anxious. You shouldn’t have to comfort me after all you’ve been through.”

“All we’ve been through,” corrected Shay. “And if another ‘if’ catches up with us, we’ll go through that together too, as a family. You and me.”

Hunk was gonna… yep, he was crying. “Aw, Shay I love you so -”

“No side conversations!” Lance’s yell interrupted Hunk. “Oh wait, is that Shay?”

“Hi Lance!!!” yelled Shay, which was unnecessary as the man himself walked up to prop an arm on Hunks shoulder and lean in. “Happy birthday!”

“It’s his birthday tomorrow,” said Keith, leaning onto Hunk’s other shoulder.

“Hi Keith,” said Shay, cheerily. “You staying out of trouble?”

“So far,” said Pidge, squeezing in between Hunk and where he was holding out his comm. “But the night is young and I have high hopes.

“You can rest assured, Shay,” said Lance, “this guy’s still wearing his wedding ring.” He grabbed Hunk’s wrist and pulled his hand up into frame so Shay could still see the ring there. “He won’t be taking this off tonight. Not under my watch.”

Shay giggled. “Okay, I trust you, Lance. Watch him like a hawk.”

“I’ll follow him around with a photo of your wedding day, if I need to,” said Lance. “He’ll probably need a reminder because Hunk is a ladies man and a loose cannon mixed into one.”

“Hmm, those descriptions sound more like you and Keith, but okay.”

“What about me and Keith,” said Lance, leaning in towards the comm screen.

“You know what, we should let Shay go,” said Hunk.

“Aw, no fun,” groaned Pidge. “Shay, you should just join us!”

“Oh no, no,” said Shay, waving the invite off. “It’s just a you guys thing.”

“Only because the rest of us don’t have significant oth’,” said Pidge. “You’re basically just an extension of Hunk.”

“I could just wormhole you over!” suggested Lance.

“No, no, don’t do that,” said Hunk, quickly. “Um, thank you for inviting my wife (while suggesting she isn’t her own person,) but your wormholes aren’t the most reliable right now, Lance.”

“What about Kos -” began Lance.

“Don’t say his name!” snapped Keith, leaning right across Hunk so he was practically touching foreheads with Lance.

On cue, Hunk heard a little puppy dog grumble. They all looked over to see Kosmo’s ear twitch in his sleep. Luckily, he didn’t wake up and start zapping all over the place again.

“I’ll take a rain check this year,” said Shay, ever the most gracious and polite person and - oh my god! Hunk loved her so, so much! “I really do miss you all and can’t wait until Allura Day so we can catch up. Bye! Love you, Hunk!”

“Bye!” they all called out as Hunk said, “Love you!”

Shay hung-up on her end, leaving Hunk feeling emotional (but what else is new?)

“You’ve got a great gal there,” said Lance, patting Hunk on the back.

“Best in the universe,” agreed Pidge.

“Don’t I know it,” said Hunk. All the compliments weren’t making him any less emotional. 

“I like Shay.” They all turned and looked at Keith, who looked sheepish. “You were all saying nice things and I thought I should say a nice thing so it didn’t seem like I don’t like Shay because I like her.”

“You mentioned,” said Pidge.

“I’m just not good at...,” fumbled Keith. “Uh, making the words go in the order… What am I thinking of?”

“Speaking?” offered Hunk.

“Yes!” said Keith, giving Hunk a half-hug, half-shoulder pat.

“Oh my ancients,” said Lance, staring at Keith with the most delighted look. “Are you super drunk already?”

“What?” asked Keith with a laugh. “Yeah, but like… we’re all drunk.”

“I’m not drunk,” said Pidge, Hunk, and Lance in unison.

“Jinx!” said Pidge, pointing at Hunk and Lance.

Quiznak! Hunk hated being jinxed. Meanwhile, Lance looked like he was going to explode, not being able to talk.

“Like I was saying,” said Keith. “I’m not drunk.”

“That was the opposite of what you were saying,” said Pidge.

“I maybe just did three shots,” said Keith, his hand went into his jacket pocket and pulled out an empty shot glass tube. Immediately a little drone flew up to collect the glass and replace it with a cocktail. Keith took a sip then said, “But that’s not my fault because Lance handed them to me.”

Officially released from the jinx by the use of his name, Lance gasped, sucking in a huge gulp of air, as if he’d been holding his breath the entire time, then blurted out, “Not only are you drunk, but truthful Keith is back!”

“Noooo,” said Keith while nodding his head yes.

“I have so many questions I can’t wait to ask!” said Lance, advancing on Keith. “I'm going to find out what you’re hiding from me!”

“Forget that,” said Pidge, shoving Lance backwards. “He’s finally drunk enough to dance!”

“I am not going to dance to…” Keith twirled his finger in the air to indicate the music playing. Since they’d never requested another song, all that had been playing was Gregorian Monk remixes.

“I know how to get you dancing,” said Pidge, then they darted off towards the DJ booth.

“I’m not going to dance,” said Keith, following them.

“You are and you’ll thank me!” called out Pidge.

“This, I gotta see,” said Lance, jogging over to join them.

Hunk would’ve said something, but he was still jinxed.

***

Pidge was whispering in the Android DJ’s ear so they couldn’t overhear what they were requesting. Meanwhile, Keith had found yet another drink. 

“At what point do I cut you off?” asked Lance, pointing to Keith’s cocktail.

“You don’t,” said Keith, pushing his half-full drink into Lance’s hands, which kinda seemed like he was getting Lance to cut him off. “You get on my level.”

A grin broke out across Lance’s face. “Dude, I have never loved you more!”

“You could,” said Keith.

“What?” asked Lance, raising up the drink to his lips.

“Love me more,” said Keith.

Lance had been in the middle of downing the drink in one go when Keith’s bizarre words made him sputter and spit half of it out.

“Oops, you okay?” asked Keith. He bit down on the cuff of his jacket then tugged his arm down inside the sleeve. He then used the floppy end to mop up the liquid on Lance’s chin.

Now Lance wasn’t sure if he was okay and that had nothing to do with the spill.

_‘They’re gonna clean up your looks  
With all the lies in the books  
To make a citizen out of you’_

“Aw shit!” said Keith so suddenly, Lance thought he’d done something wrong. He’d just been standing there. Staring. Then the hugest grin broke out on Keith’s face as he bounced on his heals. He gave _Lance_ the finger guns while two-stepping backwards towards Pidge.

What was going on? Did Keith and Lance just do some kind of Freaky Friday-esque personality switch?

Keith approached Pidge, bouncing on their heels and headbanging, then they both sing-yelled in each other’s faces, _“Because the drugs never work! They’re gonna give you a smirk!”_

Hunk wandered up beside Lance. Lance gestured towards Keith and said, “Are you seeing this?” Hunk said nothing. “Yeah, I’m speechless too.”

 _“They say all teenagers scare the living shit out of me!_ ” Pidge and Keith sing-screamed as they bounced on their feet and headbanged. At least Lance finally recognized the song.

“Next they’ll start a two person mosh pit,” said Lance. When Hunk just kinda nodded, Lance said, “Feel free to roast them too, big guy. They certainly deserve a good mocking.”

Hunk sighed. He walked towards the couch and slouched down. 

“Message received, good sir” said Lance. “Let’s sit this dance out and mock from a comfier angle.”

Kosmo was asleep on one-third of the giant sectional sofa that stretched around the edges of three sides of the dance floor, so Lance headed to the cozy looking, cosmic-wolf free corner and flopped down. A drone flew over to pick up his glass and deliver them new drinks. Lance took one for each hand, reminding himself he needed to ‘get on Keith’s level.’

‘Keith’s level’ currently meant scream-singing, _“You’re never gonna fit in much kid! But if you’re troubled and hurt, what you got under your shirt,”_ and as sang this, he untucked his own shirt and ran his hands upwards, pulling the fabric over hard abs, _“Will make you pay for the things that they did!”_

Lance had already seen Keith’s abs at the pool earlier so why did this setting make it seem so much more taboo?

“Look at this guy, undressing for attention,” scoffed Lance, looking to Hunk for validation. Hunk gave Lance a half-smile then sipped his own drink. “You’re quiet,” said Lance. “Aw, do you miss Shay that much? You two are literally the perfect couple and I can’t believe you met so young when our whole space adventure started. I wanna meet someone like that. Does Shay have a sister?”

Hunk stared at Lance.

“Oh, of course! She has a brother! Just my luck. Hey, no one is giving me a straight answer on this, who do you think I should kiss tonight? Did you see anyone with potential?”

_“TEENAGERS SCARE - ”_

“Ah!” shrieked Lance, as Keith jumped up on the end of the couch, surprising him.

 _“- the living shit out of me!”_ As he sang along (if you can call that singing,) Keith gyrated his hips and began shimmying out of his jacket.

Okay… Lance was paying attention.

 _“They could care less as long as someone'll bleed. So darken your clothes.”_ Keith ripped off his jacket and threw it. _“I strike a violent pose.”_ He struck a pose that was much more disco than violent, but then it’s Keith, so violence is the default. _“Maybe they’ll leave you alone, but not me!”_

“Ah yeah!” Keith tugged the elastic out of his hair and shook it out. He managed to do this in slow motion, which was weird because Keith typically moves faster, not slower.

The instrumental too over and the edgelords of the group just straight up rocked the fuck out, Pidge on the dancefloor and Keith up on the couch, bouncing while headbanging.

Lance had to laugh at their antics. He was used to Pidge having an extra side, but usually when Keith gets drunk enough to let loose, Lance is already that drunk too so it’s not this amusing. This realization was a reminder to down his drink and grab another from the drone.

Lance immediately spit his drink again as Keith walked over the couch cushions towards Lance then straddled him by putting a foot on either side of Lance’s lap.

What’s happening here?

Lance kinda just sunk down in his seat, while he looked up at Keith, yell-singing above him _“Teenagers scare the living shit out of me!”_

Lance slowly took another sip of his drink, needing something to do with this hands that kept them to himself.

“I know what you’re thinking,” said Pidge. Their head just popped in beside Lance, making him spit his drink again. It took him half a second to realize they were leaning over the back of the couch and not a disembodied head.

“What am I thinking?” asked Lance, because he wasn’t sure himself.

“That you wish paper money existed on this planet so you could stuff it in his waistband.”

“I wasn’t thinking that!” Lance could feel his cheeks growing hot. “If anyone should be given free money for being hot, it should be me!”

Keith, not paying attention to this argument because he was drunk and vibing to the song, turned around and Lance got an eye level view of the ass space karate built. It looked perfectly snug in those tailored pants.

“Hey, hey, hey!” said Lance, trying to move Keith out of the way by hitting it, which, granted, just seemed like he was spanking Keith. It made a nice noise though. It also felt exactly like what Lance thought it would feel like. Not that he’d thought of what it would feel like…Anyway! “Move!”

“You’re not supposed to touch strippers,” scolded Pidge.

Keith seemed to be too drunk to realize Lance was even touching his booty, so he drew back his arm and smacked him as hard as he could.

“Hey?” said Keith, twisting around and finally dropping down onto the couch. For a second anyway. Then he readjusted and landed himself in Lance’s lap. “What’s up?”

“Why are you in my lap?” asked Lance, trying to hold his drink off to the side to avoid the last of it getting spilt.

“Figures,” said Keith with a cluck of his tongue. “You can dish it out but you can’t take it.”

“Oh, I can take it,” said Lance, his mouth running automatically. Wait, what was he taking exactly?

Keith never clarified what ‘it’ was. He was too busy singing along to his song and wiggling in Lance’s lap. He thought back to how cuddly Keith had been when he was high. Drunk he seemed just as touchy, but… Lance couldn’t think of the word…

_Ba-ba-ba-bada-da-ba-ba  
Bada-da-ba-ba  
bada-da-bada-da_

Another emo song started up, because apparently Pidge had requested a full playlist’s worth of Keith songs. He jumped up to start dancing to this one, leaving Lance’s lap cold and alone.

_I'm still a little crazy all the time  
But I can try to hide it  
That's still mine_

Was this feeling… a lack of attention? Yes, that was it. No one was paying attention to Lance! And on his birthday no less!

Keith started singing along, _Try a little more, little more, little more. They slap you like a bitch and you take it like a wh-”_

“Hey,” shouted Lance. “Pay attention to m-”

“Food’s here!” cheered Pidge, interrupting Lance.

Hunk hopped up quickly and rushed towards the plates, more likely so he could inspect and judge them than eat them. Lance pushed himself up and headed over to where a small buffet of appetizers was being set up by the staff. “Hey, Keith!” called out Lance, looking over his shoulder. “Come get food!”

Keith was too busy dancing on his own.

_And the guilt in me is the hurt in you  
And the hurt in you is the lost in me_

“I got him,” said Pidge, bringing two plates back with them. They walked right up to Keith and said, “Sit!” Keith backed up until his legs hit the couch then dropped down. “Eat!” Keith held out his hands to accept the plate.

“How do I get you that well trained?” joked Lance.

“Promise me a cookie,” said Keith. Lance felt heat enter his cheeks. Then Keith lifted up a big chocolate chip cookie from his plate to show him and Lance started laughing.

Lance looked over to Hunk who was arranging his own plate very carefully. “Does it _meat_ your standards, big guy? Get it? Meat?” Hunk said nothing. “Okay, sorry. Bad joke. I had to fill the dad joke void without Shiro here.”

******

Hunk hadn’t spoken in so, so long. How had no one said his name yet? But of course they hadn’t said his nameI They weren’t paying attention to him at all.

“Hello everyone,” said the hostess, reaching the top of the stairs. “Are you all enjoying yourselves?”

Hunk opened his mouth to answer because he didn’t want to be ungracious, but then he realized he couldn’t answer. Oh, he felt so rude! At least the others answered to the affirmative.

“A friend of yours has ordered your finest wine as a gift,” said the hostess. She gestured to a waiter bringing up a bucket of ice. What was surprising was inside the bucket sat, not a fine vintage, but a box of wine. 

Boxed wine! Is that what they thought was a fine Earth wine? They were so backwards here. If only Hunk could see a wine list and give them some advice on pricing…

The others kinda snickered, but didn’t point out the obvious mistake. In fact, Lance swept in and made a big deal as if it was the most lavish gift he could ever receive. Hunk suspected he was really just trying to flirt with the hostess.

“And such a lovely delivery person,” said Lance, taking her hand.

“His name is Chrixtin,” said the hostess, nodding towards the waiter who was fetching wine glasses from the bar.

“No, I meant, uh -” said Lance, getting flustered and pulling back his hand.

“The wine came with a message,” said the hostess, pulling out a tablet in order to read the message out to them. “To my favourite legendary defenders, I hope you have a wonderful night. Lance, have a memorable birthday. Keith, Pidge, and,” Hunk braced himself, ready to hear his name. “H- hu… I can’t pronounce this last one.” The hostess cleared her throat and read the rest of the message anyway as Hunk’s heart sank. “Keep Lance out of trouble. All my best, Shiro.”

“He’s so classy,” said Lance, accepting a splash of the box wine in a glass. He tasted it and Hunk watch as he repressed a gag. Lance then turned to Chrixtin and said, “Very nice.” With that permission granted, the waiter began pouring glasses for all of them.

“Anything else I can do for you?” asked the hostess.

“Join us for a drink,” said Lance.

“Maybe later,” she said then winked.

When she was off and heading down the steps, Lance spun around and excitedly said, “Did you see the wink? She is so into me!”

Frustrated, Hunk drank his acidic yet sweet glass of wine down in one gulp.

“Hey, should we call Shiro now?” suggested Pidge.

Yes! Calling Shiro! Shiro would definitely call Hunk by name!

Hunk pulled out his own comm and selected Shiro form his contacts for a video call. He waited for Shiro to answer. Probably needed time to find his reading glasses.

***************

Shiro heard his comm go off, but it took him a second to find it in the crack between the cushion and the back of the couch. He saw it was Hunk calling. That either meant the end of the universe, or everyone just wanted to say hi. Shiro turned the TV to the channel guide screen before answering. The loss of the consistent sound Made Curtis stir in his sleep, but he didn’t wake up. He had his head in Shiro’s lap so he didn’t want to be too loud on his call.

“Hu-,” answered Shiro, but then as the other three jumped into the frame he changed mid-word, “-hey everyone!”

“Hey, Shiro!” said Lance, with the Pidge and Keith echoing the same.

“Always nice to see you guys together,” said Shiro. “Happy birthday, Lance.”

“His birthday is tomorrow,” said Keith.

“My birthday is in two hours,” said Lance, holding up his watch.

“We’re not waking you, are we?” asked Pidge.

“Oh no, it’s still before this old man’s bedtime,” said Shiro, petting his sleeping husband’s hair. “Afterall, I’m in the same timezone as you since -”

“Since moon apex here corresponds with midnight back home,” said Lance, cutting Shiro off. “Anyway, thank you for the wine, Shiro.”

“I hope it’s a good vintage.”

“It’s disgusting,” said Pidge. Lance swatted them. Shiro just chuckled.

“I like it,” said Keith. He had a box of wine that he was pouring into a glass, not stop until it was right to the brim. Wait, was that the wine Shiro had paid nine hundred credits for?

“You’re too drunk to taste anything,” said Pidge.

“Nice to see you made it out this year, Keith,” said Shiro. “Krolia mentioned you were having some, uh, conflicts.”

“He always starts as a wet blanket, but he loves it when he gets here,” said Lance, rubbing Keith’s head, which made him dribble wine from his overfull glass. Keith didn’t seem to notice, but did swat Lance away, spilling more wine in the process.

“Looks like you’re having fun,” said Shiro. “What have you been up to so far?”

Lance tapped his chin as if thinking then said, “Keith did a sexy strip tease for me to a My Chemical Romance song.” Keith had been in the middle of drinking his wine, but when Lance said that he spit it right back out. “Other than that, it’s been a lot of spit takes.” 

“I didn’t - Shiro, I never,” sputtered Keith. “See! I’m still wearing my clothes!” Keith ran a hand down his button-down. “Why is my shirt wet?” He then proceeded to unbutton his shirt.

“Hey, hey, Keith, no,” said Pidge, moving in to redo the buttons.

“How’s the admiralship going?” asked Lance, ignoring Keith and Pidge arguing over how much of the shirt Keith should be wearing.

“Oh, you know, busy.” Shiro glanced over at the TV guide screen and noticed a documentary of bee cloning he’d been meaning to DVR.

“Figured that’s why you declined the invite,” said Lance. “But the wine and the note were appreciated.”

“Good to hear,” said Shiro, noticing Keith had his shirt mostly off now as Pidge had given up. He glanced at Hunk who wasn’t stepping in like he normally would. Curtis shifted in Shiro’s lap. He looked down to see his husband now awake.

“I’m going to have to let you all go,” said Shiro. “Thanks for the phone call and Keith -” Keith looked back to the screen. “Have something to eat and drink some coffee, will ya?”

“I’ll hold him down and pour it down his throat if I have to,” said Lance.

“I’m sure you will, Lance. Night.”

Shiro hung up just as Curtis, rolled to his back to look up at Shiro. “Those the Paladins?”

“Yep. Keith was shirtless.”

“You mean Lance?”

“No, Keith this time.”

Curtis chuckled. “Sounds like a party. Sure you don’t want to drop in for a bit? It’s not a far trip.”

“Naw, I’m good right here,” said Shiro, bending down so he could plant a kiss on Curtis’s forehead. “Spending a lovely evening at home. Cooking my husband dinner…”

“You certainly put what began as ingredients in an oven for an amount of time then put it on a plate and presented it to me,” said Curtis, speaking democratically about the baked snapper Shiro had barely managed to make edible earlier.

Shiro laughed. “It’s still a great night in. Besides, if I went on the birthday trip, I’d spend the entire night wrangling in Lance, Keith, and Pidge, which is not a vacation. I do feel bad that it falls on Hunk’s shoulders instead. He looked dead tired.”

“Poor Hunk,” said Curtis with a pout.

“He can survive one night with them.”

“Was Keith okay?” asked Curtis.

“No,” said Shiro, his casual tone earning him an odd look from his husband. “But Keith’s not really the type to ever be okay.” Shiro thought about this then added. “Actually that goes for all of them, but they try their best.”

“What about you?” asked Curtis, reaching up to cup Shiro’s face. Shiro responded by leaning into his hand. “Are you the type to ever be okay?”

“Most of moments are far better than okay,” said Shiro, giving the most positive answer he could give.

Curtis smiled and Shiro leaned down to kiss him properly. There was a crackle of static as the baby monitor sparked up with noise, and Shiro froze, halfway down. All conversation halted as they both listened to see if Addison would start crying. A rustling noise was heard then a coo, but soon all noise ceased and they both let out a collective sigh of relief.

Curtis dragged himself up to stand then offered a hand to Shiro’s human arm (the robot one was in the shop… making a birdhouse to go in their backyard so they could watch the birds as a family while eating breakfast in the morning.) “Let’s get this old man some rest before the babes wakes up again.”

*************

“There,” said Pidge, finishing the last button on Keith’s shirt. “All dressed again.”

“It’s too tight,” whined Keith, tugging at his collar.

Lance sighed. “Of course it’s too tight. Pidge, you did up the lesbian button.”

“The collar button is meant to be used and not just by lesbians.”

“You gotta show some skin,” said Lance, moving in to unbutton the collar. He kept doing down and unbuttoning more, but Pidge cut him off.

“That’s too much skin! Now he looks like a slut!”

“The ladies like to see the milk jugs before they buy the cow,” said Lance, trying to fight against Pidge to regain access to Keith’s buttons.

“That’s not the saying and he doesn’t lactate!”

“You don’t know that! Keith, do galra lactate?”

“I dunno,” said Keith, looking confused. “What was that about my milk bugs?”

“Oh,” said Lance, “I know how to get Keith’s shirt off.”

“Just ask,” said Keith quickly.

“No! No one is asking that,” said Pidge, scolding him.

“Keith,” said Lance.

“What?” said Keith, swinging his attention towards Lance. 

“There’s a spider on your shirt.”

Keith shrieked and tore at his shirt, causing the buttons to pop right off and scatter to the ground. Keith ripped his shirt off and threw it down and kicked it away. “What kind of bullshit planet has spiders?” he yelled.

“Oh, Keith,” said Pidge, shaking their head. “There was never any spider.”

“There was,” said Lance, seeing an opportunity, “But now it’s on your p -” Pidge slapped a hand over his mouth so the rest of the word ‘pants’ got muffled.

“On my what? Oh my what?” asked Keith, frantic.

“It dead,” said Pidge.

“Phew,” said Keith, “Now burn its cursed little body.”

“I still can’t believe you’re afraid of spiders,” said Lance.

“I am not afraid of spiders,” snapped Keith. “I just have a weird allergy to them where if they touch me, I have to kill them.”

“That’s not a real allergy,” said Pidge. 

Lance noticed Hunk was on the couch eating so he grabbed another plate of food and went to join. Pidge brought Keith over. 

“Here,” they said, holding out his discarded suit jacket. “Cover up the tiddies. You’ll never get a husband that way.” Keith obliged and slid his arms into the sleeves. Pidge sat down then patted the cushion beside them. “Come sit,” said Pidge.

“No, sit with me,” said Lance, patting his lap.

“Excuse me,” said Pidge, highly offended. “But that is my emotional support emo and you can’t have him!”

“Isn’t emo short for emotional?” asked Keith. “I’m your emotional support emotional?”

“No, it means emocore,” said Pidge. “You’re the worst emo ever.”

“Well, now I’m sitting with Lance,” said Keith, sticking his nose up in the air and dropping into Lance’s lap.

Wow. Lance hadn’t thought he’d actually do that, but the reign of drunk Keith continues!

“By the way, Pidge,” said Lance, “Emocore is short for emotional hardcore. I looked it up once so that means he’s your emotional support emotional hardcore.”

“I feel so seen,” said Keith with a touch of awe in his voice.

“I’ll tell you what’s not hardcore though,” said Lance, feeling the need to make another dad joke. “This ass right here,” said Lance, pointing at Keith in his lap. “If anything, it’s softcore.”

“Why are you so obsessed with my ass?” asked Keith with a drunken giggle.

“I’m not obsessed with it!” said Lance, defensively. “I am jealous of it.”

“Oh, and the truth comes out,” said Keith with a smirk.

“I am not jealous of how it looks. I am jealous of the attention you get for it.”

“Ninety percent of that attention is from you!”

“And you never compliment me back!”

“You are a huge star! Why do you care what I say or don’t say about your ass?”

Lance sucked in a deep breath then blew it out. “Alright, guys, story time.”

“Turn the music down,” yelled Pidge, towards the DJ. The music volume lowered. “You were saying about your butt and Keith’s debt of gratitude towards it?”

“The latest movie I was in,” said Lance, “Glory of the Portal. It’s a space opera meets romance meets film noir set between dimensions. You remember it, right bud?” said Lance, nodding towards Hunk. “You were going to come to the premier as my plus one but them something came up.”

“Wasn’t that ‘something’ taking that two-headed actress from the planet Kanu as your plus one instead?” asked Pidge

“They were not a two-headed actress, Pidge. They were two people conjoined at the shoulders like everyone is on Kanu. And only one of them was an actress. The other had an Etsy story or something. The benefit was, I got to bring two dates as one plus one and they were twins, which is every guy’s fantasy so my best wingman over there understood. Didn’t ya, pal?” Hunk certainly didn’t speak up in protest so Lance took that as a yes.

“So what about your movie?” asked Pidge.

“I’m getting another drink,” said Keith, standing up. Lance pulled him back down, but beside him this time.

“No, this explanation is for you. Pay attention. So I had a nude scene in this movie.”

“Nude shower scene,” said Keith. When Lance looked right at him, Keith quickly said, “I didn’ see it.”

“Yes, it was in the shower and despite what you think, shooting those scenes are not all that sexy. I spent an entire day on set with a flesh coloured sock over my dick, having to scrub myself with bubbles over and over.” Lance leaned forward to signal the intensity of this story. “But it was worth it, because I was going to have my bare ass in a movie for all the universe to see. Just like every little boy dreams of while growing up.”

“No,” said Keith and Pidge in unison as Hunk shook his head.

“So I’m at the premiere, I’m watching the movie, two gorgeous dates beside me. It comes up on the shower scene, the camera pans down...” Lance frames his fingers and mimes the camera movement. “And then, I see it...” Lance shakes his head. Everyone leans in, curious. He lets it build before the big reveal. “They used an ass double.”

Keith picked up a pillow and threw it on the ground. “You gotta be fucking kidding me!”

“I’m not! They completely reshot with someone else and they didn’t even tell me!”

Keith stood up and kicked the pillow. “Those bastards!”

“Uh, Keith…,” began Pidge. 

“I had to see someone else’s ass, twenty feet tall on screen and the saddest part is,” said Lance.

“It gets worse?” gasped Keith.

“If they’d wanted my ass to look different, they could’ve asked,” said Lance. “If it was too…,” Lance choked up with emotion. “... too flat for them, I could’ve used my Altean power to give it more juice. More junk in the trunk. Could’ve boosted the caboose.”

“No, no, no, no, don’t say that,” said Keith, dropping down to his knees at Lance’s feet.

“Keith, watch out,” said Pidge.

“Your ass is already completely perfect,” said Keith, taking Lance’s hands. “They have no taste if they thought differently. You are beautiful and - and gorgeous just the way you are!”

Lance had to bite down on his lip to keep the grin from breaking out.

“Keith, you fool,” groaned Pidge.

“What?” asked Keith, turning to look at them so Lance could finally unleash his smile.

“You played right into his hand!”

“What?” asked Keith, then he turned back to see the look of pure joy on Lance’s face. It threw Keithso much, he fell back on his ass then scurried to his feet. “What? What’s going on?”

“There was no butt double,” yelled Pidge, “and there never was!”

“What?” gasped Keith, looking between Pidge and Lance. “No!”

“He made it up to trick you into complimenting him like he’s been fishing for all day! You fell for it, hook, sink, and sinker!”

“No, but,” said Keith. 

When Keith looked back towards him, Lance launched off the couch and pounced on him. The hug startled Keith so much he stumbled backwards across the dancefloor towards the opposite section of the couch where Kosmo was sleeping.

Kosmo raised up his head and seeing them barrelling towards him, ZAPPED away. A SCREAM was heard in the distance just as Keith tripped broughtthem both down onto the couch, Keith on his back, Lance on top of him.

“What are you doing?” bellowed Keith.

“I’m so happy!” said Lance, hugging Keith.

“I don’t understand. Why? Why are you happy? Why did you make that story up?”

“Because,” said Lance, raising up on his arms so he could gaze down at Keith. “I’ve been waiting my whole life for you to call my ass perfect.”

“Okay, you’re done,” said Keith, pushing up and rolling Lance off of him.

Lance fell onto his back, laughing. “This is the best birthday of my life!”

“It’s not your birthday until tomorrow,” snapped Keith. He stood up and stormed across the dancefloor to go sit by Pidge and Hunk again. 

That didn’t deter Lance though. He skipped on over and lay himself down to arch his ‘perfect’ back across Keith’s lap. “Did you guys hear?” asked Lance. “Keith thinks I’m gorgeous!”

“You are a cruel being, Lance McClain,” said Pidge.

“Oh, Keith’s not really mad,” said Lance. He looked up at Keith who was pouting. Unable to resist, Lance reached up and pinched his cheeks between his thumb forefinger to give that face a nice squish. “We just have that kind of friendship.” Keith grimaced and swatted Lance’s hand away.

“The kind of friendship where you’re always sitting in each other’s laps...” muttered Pidge.

“You know what?” said Lance, sitting up. He cleared his throat then glanced at his watch. “We’re running out of time before moon apex. We should go meet girls.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> Teenagers - My Chemical Romance  
> Shaketramp - Marianas Trench


	6. If you ain't runnin' game, say my name

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hunk and Keith are not having the best luck tonight...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter dedicated to AstroLatte! Thank you for all your support!

“Haaaaaaave you met Keith?” asked Lance, wrapping his arm around Keith’s shoulders and tugging him to his side and therefore into the conversation he was having with two alien women.

Keith didn’t like being down in the main part of the bar. It was noisy and crowded and, worst of all, filled with women for Lance to flirt with directly in front of him and often relying on Keith to help, or even worse than worst of all, expecting him to flirt too. He didn’t want to meet anyone! Especially women he would never, ever be interested in, because he gay!

“I don’t want to meet anyone!” Oops… Did Keith say that out loud? Judging by the queer looks the women gave him, yes. Yes, he did.

“Excuse us for a minute, ladies,” said Lance, all charm and bright smiles as he led Keith away.

Keith made eye contact with Hunk who seemed to be as miserable as Keith was. At least that would explain why he’d pacing back and forth near them for the past twenty minutes. Watching Lance flirt while married must be as boring for him as it is tortuous for Keith.

When Hunk noticed them come closer, he stopped and looked at them expectantly like they were coming over to hang, but Lance stopped and twisted Keith by the shoulders quite gruffly to face him.

“What is up with you?” demanded Lance.

Oh no… direct question and Keith was at truth-telling level of drunk. “I don’t want to spend tonight flirting with girls!” Okay, that was true and non-revealing.

“If you don’t try, Keith, you’re never going to get a girlfriend,” warned Lance.

If Keith weren’t so thrown by Lance’s cluelessness, he probably would’ve laughed. “I don’t want a girlfriend.” Oh no… did he just come out as gay?

“I know, Keith,” said Lance, nodding understandably. Wait… wass Lance saying he’s known all along Keith is gay? “You’re a lone wolf.”

Keith opened his mouth to protest in the form of blurting out that he doesn’t want to be alone, he wants to marry Lance and adopt babies and grow old together and never spend a moment apart, but Lance - thankfully - interrupts him.

“But even lone wolves need sex.”

“I - I… “ Keith was thrown. Lance wasn’t wrong. Keith just needed to focus on not saying, ‘with you!’ 

“And to get sex,” continued Lance, “you have to talk.”

“I don’t… do that,” said Keith. 

“And you have to let me introduce you to women,” added Lance.

“That wouldn’t help me get sex,” said Keith, because that it was honest.

“Not if you can’t talk to them.”

“That’s not the issue,” said Keith, feeling himself creeping ever closer to yelling, ‘I’m gay and in love with you!’ Dammit, he was way too drunk for this…

“Then what’s the issue?” demanded Lance.

Oh fuck, he was going to say it… “I’m -” began Keith, but he cut himself off when he felt a tap on his shoulder. His first assumption was Pidge was here to butt in and rescue him, but when he turned his head he saw it was Hunk standing there, looking at him expectantly. Keith had completely forgotten he was standing there… “What’s up?”

Hunk frowned, which was an odd reaction.

“Need another drink, big guy?” asked Lance. “Hey barkeep!” yelled Lance towards the bartender. “Another drink for the Yellow Paladin! And another round for the Red and Black Paladins too.”

“Shiro’s here?” asked Keith, brightening as he looked around.

“No, Keith, you are the Black Paladin.”

“I thought I was the Red Paladin…”

“I’m the Red Paladin. Granted, I should’ve been the Black Paladin, but Shiro’s ghost or whatever was possessing Black so he played favourites and chose you as leader, but it’s fine, I’m not bitter…” Lance accepted a drink from a waiter and took a big gulp.

Keith was handed one too. He took a sip, then noticed the waiter walk by Hunk, forgetting to hand over his drink. Why didn’t Hunk hail him down? He was way too polite sometimes. Keith spit his mouthful back into his glass and offered it to Hunk. “You can have mine.”

Hunk shook his head no. There he was, being self-sacrificing and not wanting to inconvenience Keith. Oh well! Keith went back to drinking his drink because what was he going to do? Not continue getting drunker and drunker?

Pidge walked up drinking what looked suspiciously like the drink the waiter failed to give to Hunk. “What’s shakin’?”

Lance downed his full drink then said, “We’re meeting ladies!” 

“Noooo!” whined Keith.

“I don’t care if you want to live sexless, Keith,” said Lance, “But it’s my birthday and you need to at least play wingman. I’m assuming some kind of flying metaphor will help you understand the concept.”

“I would just rather spend time with you tonight then chase women,” confessed Keith. Wait… was that a confession or did that pass as friendship?

The fact that Lance was clutching his heart in reaction was not a good sign. “Awwww,” cooed Lance, stepping forward to drop his weight against Keith in a hug. “I am so touched that you want to just hang with me.” Then he pulled back and said, “And we’ll do that after midnight. I just need to find someone to kiss first.”

***

Pidge facepalmed. Keith was being so obviously gay (he wasn’t even letting go as Lance tried to end the hug,) but of course Lance was clues OR acting clueless. It was still hard for Pidge to believe Lance really didn’t know.

“Did you just facepalm?” asked Lance, looking at Pidge.

“Yeah,” said Pidge, eyes shifting, “unrelated to what we’re talking about. We were having a separate conversation.” Pidge nodded towards Hunk, hoping he’d do them a solid and cover for their inability to act like they didn’t see what was truly happening here. 

“No side conversations!” snapped Lance, automatically.

Hunk threw his arms out and rolled his eyes. 

“Anyway, Keith has a point,” said Pidge. “Let’s just hangout and forget about this stroke of midnight kiss nonsense.”

Lance gasped. “You know I can’t do that! You know how superstitious I am.” Hunk stepped forward and opened his mouth like he was about to say something, but Lance continued. “The only thing I take more seriously, is the rules of jinx. Isn’t that right, buddy? How many times did I jinx you back at the Garrison?” 

Hunk’s face fell and his mouth snapped shut. 

“Oh, don’t pout,” said Lance. “We were kids. Of course I was going to mess with you! But you never spoke until I said your name and I respected that. You’re probably single-handed responsible for what little good luck we had during the war.”

“None of that is real,” argued Keith. “There’s no good or bad luck, there’s no destiny, and there’s nothing special about the stroke of midnight.”

Lance’s clutched his heart, this time looking shocked. “Nothing special about the stroke of midnight?!” he repeated, his indignation way over the top. “I was born at the stroke of midnight!”

“We know the story,” said Pidge, trying in vain to head him off.

“It was a dark and stormy night,” said Lance, amplifying his voice and stretching out his arm as if painting a canvas in the air to accompany his retelling.

At this point, Pidge realized with annoyance that there were people all around them listening in, and as Lance upped the dramatics, more and more heads turned their way. Lance hopped up to sit on the bar and crossed his legs, looking out at the crowd forming like he was onstage performing a one-man show and they were all his audience.

“Gather round all my dear new friends,” said Lance, “For the story of the birth of Lance Alexandro McClain. It all started during the Storm of the Century. Cuba was facing a Tropical Cyclone warning and in the coastal town of Varadero, my mother was just beginning to feel the pains of labour …”

By the time he reached the climax of the story, everyone who wasn’t Hunk, Pidge, and Keith, were hanging on his every word.

“...and as the lightning cracked outside the window, my mother gave one last mighty push and I emerged from her womb at exactly the stroke of midnight.” Lance paused for reaction, but when everyone was still staring, expectant, he added, “Right at the stroke of moon apex.”

“Ohhhhh!” collectively gasped the group of aliens who then they burst into applause.

“Thank you! Thank you!” said Lance. “It’s insane, right? How many people are born at the stroke of midnight? What are the odds? One in a million?”

“The odds are 1/1440,” said Pidge, flatly.

“Next to impossible,” said Lance, ignoring Pidge.

“There are 1440 minutes in a day so that makes the odds 1/1140. Therefore, there’s a .07% chance of being born at midnight,” continued Pidge. “Currently, there’s at least two-hundred-thousand living Earthlings who were born at midnight in their timezones. There've been approximately eighty billion humans born in the entirety of human history and 0.07% of eighty billion is fifty-six million, so about fifty-six million people have been born at midnight since the dawn of time.”

“But this is the very stroke of midnight!” insisted Lance.

“Okay, even if we narrow it down to the second and not the minute, the odds are still only 1/86400. That’s still 0.00116% meaning nearly a million people in human history having been born at the very stroke of midnight.”

“Um no,” said Keith. “‘Cause a lot of those were born before time was invented.”

Pidge stared at Keith. When he didn’t seem to get why what he said was ridiculous, Pidge said, “Time was not invented!”

“But the concept of measuring time was,” said Keith in the most obnoxious voice. “How can someone be born at the stroke of midnight when midnight wasn’t a concept yet?”

If looks could kill, Keith would be dead on the floor Pidge did not appreciate being bested in math based-debate. The victory dance Keith did, didn’t help.

“What are we doing?” asked Lance. “Dancing?” Lance grabbed Keith by the hand and twirled him. 

When he pulled Keith back in, Keith stumbled bumped up against his chest, making Lance’s eyes grow wide. Keith didn’t seem to notice or care they’d collided. Instead he just wrapped his arms around Lance like they were slow dancing at a middle school dance. After a moment of hesitation, Lance put a hand on Keith’s waist and started to lead him properly.

_Baby, I'm not even in a gown  
I'm just in a t-shirt on the couch  
The way you want me makes me want you now  
The only thing you have to say is (Wow)_

“Hey uh,” said Pidge, inserting their hands between the two of them and attempting to pry them apart. Keith would not go easily. “I need another engineer who is less drunk to help me come up with an argument over the nonsense Keith just spewed, but Hunk’s disappeared.”

Lance sighed. “He’s probably in the kitchen, rallying the staff to change the menu if he hasn’t just completely taken over yet. To the kitchen!” He then spun and led Keith in a waltz towards the kitchen entrance. 

_Make your jaw drop-drop  
Saying, my, drop-drop-drop  
Make you say "Oh my god"_

Pidge watched them dance right through the doorway and disappear. Less then a second later there was a loud _CRASH_

“Sorry!” yelled Keith.

“Keith, look what you did!”

“Me? You were leading!”

Pidge sighed. They really couldn’t deal with the gayness...

***********

Hunk was over the heights thing. At least he was pretending to be as he sat on the metal grating bridge three levels up on the rooftop bar structure. It was the first quiet place he’d found in the entire bar (even the washroom had music pumped into it.) But this stretch of a walkway between dancefloors was empty except for a few occasional people crossing it, which was good, because he needed less noise to accept the phone call he was expecting

He had just texted Shay, ‘Please call me and say my name as soon as I pick up.’ His knee bounced nervous, waiting for the moment when that screen would light up and his wife would rescue him.

He didn’t know if this was cheating in regards to jinx or if finding creative ways to trick people into saying your name was in spirit with the game. He really didn’t want to bring any bad luck on him and Shay and also, his friends. They’d all been through enough, but at the same time he’d been jinxed for an hour and none of his friends had remembered, nor found it strange that he wasn’t talking!

Hunk rejoiced as the comm lit up in his hand with a call from his wife. He went to press the screen to accept the call, when suddenly, the phone was lifted right out of his hands! Hunk looked up to see Lance dangling it above his head.

“Um, excuse me, Mr. Shay,” said Lance, frustratingly failing to use Hunk’s name once again. “I seem to remember a certain wife of yours telling you to let loose and have fun, but I catch you talking to her again?”

Hunk wanted to argue that since Shay was clearly calling him, it could quite possibly be an emergency and not letting him answer was not cool, but, alas, he couldn’t say anything because he was still jinxed! Instead he helplessly tried to reach it while Lance raised it up out of his grasp.

“I think it would be better if one of us held onto your comm for the night,” said Lance.

Hunk shook his head no furiously as he stood back up. He was still taller than Lance (though Lance could be taller if he wanted to be) so he still had a chance to nab it no matter how high Lance raised his hand. Yet as soon as Lance realized Hunk was about to snatch it, he yelled, “Keep away!” and tossed it to Pidge.

Pidge was definitely shorter than Hunk, but as he dove for them, Pidge tossed it back to Lance while laughing, “Monkey in the middle!”

Hunk threw his arms up while standing between them, sure that Lance would try to throw it back and this time, Hunk would intercept it. Instead, Lance twisted to the side and yelled, “Keith, think fast!”

“Huh?” said Keith. Now Keith’s reflexes were second to none. He might be the most graceful and coordinated creature in this entire reality… when he’s sober. Drunk Keith failed to get a hold on that comm and started batting it around like he was juggling a hot potato, until he smacked it too hard and Hunk watched, seeming in slow motion, as the comm went sailing over the walkway’s rail just as it lit up with Shay trying to call him once more.

“Mmmmmmmgggghhhhhh,” cried Hunk, keeping his mouth firmly shut so he didn’t actually speak. He looked over the rail and watched it bounce off a lower deck and go sailing to the very bottom and smash at the feet of two aliens in cocktail dresses. “Mgggmmhhh!!” 

“What the quiznak!” screamed one. She looked up and met Hunk’s eye. “What is wrong with you?!”

“Sorry!” yelled Lance, standing beside Hunk and looking down.

“Oh my ancients, is that Lance McClain?” said the other alien.

“That’s okay!” yelled the first, switching from angry to smiling. 

“Your bar tab is on me tonight!” Lance yelled down.

“Oh wow! Thank you!”

Lance turned back to Hunk and said, “And Keith will buy you a new comm.”

“What?!” choked Keith. “Why me?”

“You drop it, you bought it,” said Lance. “I don’t make the rules.”

“You are literally making up that rule,” said Pidge.

“You’re the one that threw the comm at me!” cried Keith.

“Hey, hey, hey,” said Lance. He dropped a reassuring hand on Keith’s shoulder. “Accidents happen. Try not to beat yourself up. Also, those girls are cute.” Lance nodded over the rail. “And we’re gonna go talk to them. C’mon.”

“Oh man,” whined Keith as Lance started to lead him off. “I don’t even like girls!”

“You’re too old to be afraid of cooties, Keith,” said Lance because of course he said Keith’s name ten times in the span of two minutes. Lance glanced over his shoulder back at Hunk, “You coming, bud?”

Hunk groaned. Why does no one ever use his name? It’s not even hard. It’s one syllable! He wished he could write them a message telling them to say it, but without his phone he couldn’t type out a message and he didn’t have a piece of paper and pencil or any way to ask for it…

“Why the silent treatment, buddy? What’s wrong?” asked Lance, concerned.

Frustrated, Hunk groaned again.

“If you’re that worried, I’ll make sure you have a new comm waiting for you in our hotel room when we stumble back there later.” Then Lance physically turned away, pressed a finger to his ear and whispered something. Hunk had noticed Lance had been doing all day… 

“If Shay gets worried,” said Pidge, “I’m sure she’ll call one of our comms.”

“I didn’t bring mine,” said Keith.

“Actually, I think I dropped mine on the ice planet…” said Pidge, backtracking.

“As I was saying,” said Lance, turning back. “You’ll have a new comm when you get back.”

“Why don’t you lend him yours now?” suggested Pidge. “So he can let his old lady know he doesn’t have his comm on him.”

“I didn’t bring mine,” said Lance, with a chuckle. “I wouldn’t dare put any object in my back pocket and deny everyone an unobstructed view of my perfect and gorgeous ass that Keith loves so much.”

And there’s Keith’s name again… Hunk could make a drinking game out of how often Lance says Keith’s name.

“I never said I loved it,” said Keith, shoulders scrunching up to his ears.

“Didn’t have to, Keith,” said Lance, wrapping an arm around his shoulders. “Some things are so true, they don’t need to be said. There is such a thing as body language.”

Body language… 

Hunk got an idea! There was a way he could communicate to his friends that they needed to say his name with only his body.

Hunk started waving his arms to get everyone’s attention.

“What?” asked Pidge, “What is it?” Keith and Lance looked over at Hunk, expectantly.

Hunk mined holding a microphone, then took his other hand to his mouth and moved it outwards to indicate singing.

“Oooookay,” said Pidge.

But then there was Lance, who was squinting at him like he was trying to figure something else. Hunk repeated the gesture. Lance snapped his fingers then shouted, “Song title!!”

“What?” said Pidge and Keith in unison, looking at Lance.

“It’s Charades!” said Lance, bouncing excitedly on the balls of his feet. “We’re playing Charades on my birthday! I feel like I’m fifteen again!”

“You played Charades on your fifteenth birthday?” scoffed Pidge.

“Nerd,” chuckled Keith. 

“Oh, and what did you two do on your fifteenth birthday that was so great?”

“All night D&D campaign,” said Pidge at the same time Keith said, “Got in a fight.”

Lance was already losing focus so Hunk did the singing gesture again to get his attention.

“Song title!” yelled Lance, pointing at Hunk.

“There’s no way you’re good at Charades, you sucked at pictionary,” said Keith.

“That’s ‘cause you suck at drawing, but Charades… Charades is Lance McClain’s game! I am the King of Charades!”

“No way, you’re going down,” said Pidge.

“Same,” said Keith, “But going down for me.”

“Wait, what?” gasped Lance.

Hunk did the singing gesture again, because his drunk friends had no focus. 

“Song title!!” Lance, Keith, and Pidge said in unison.

Hunk held up three fingers. 

“Three words!!”

“Unless it’s MCR, Keith isn’t going to know this one,” said Lance.

Hunk held up two fingers.

“Second word!!”

Hunk tapped his chest, hoping they’d guess ‘my’ OR if he was really lucky, they’d say ‘Hunk’ and this would all be over very quickly. Hunk should’ve known it would not be quick.

“Bro, friend, pal, paladin, chef, husband,” said Lance, rapid firing guesses.

“No, no, no, what he’s wearing!” said Pidge, excitedly. “Shirt! No, blazer! No, chest! No, ribs!”

“Armor! Banjo! Deadbolt!” yelled Keith

“What are you even guessing?” asked Pidge.

“I don’t know! I’m not good with hand gestures! I’m just throwing things out there before we hit the time limit!”

“What time limit?”

Hunk waved his hands, because this clue wasn’t helping his friends get it. He touched one finger to his forearm.

“One syllable!” they all yelled.

He cupped his hand behind his ear.

“Sounds like!”

He pointed to his eye. 

“Eye!”

“Pie, lie, sigh, die,” said Lance, running through rhymes. 

Hunk rolled his wrist with a flat hand to indicate Lance should keep going.

“Cry, high, bye, bi -”

“You said bye twice,” said Keith.

“There are two kinds of byes,” said Lance, game face still on and holding eye contact with Hunk.

“Yeah, if you’re a baby,” scoffed Keith.

“How is he supposed to tell the difference between bye and bi?” asked Pidge.

“I said them differently,” growled Lance.

Hunk practically jabbed himself in the eye trying to get them to focus on the game again. When that didn’t work he rubbed his shoulders to indicate they were ‘getting colder’ a.k.a. going completely off topic.

“We’re getting colder!” cried Lance. “Okay, okay, eye, shy, dry, fry, hi, my -”

Hunk quickly put his finger on his nose and pointed at Lance, excitedly.

“My! The second word is ‘my!’ Give me more words, I’m ready!”

Hunk held up one finger.

“First word!” said Lance and Pidge at the same time that Keith said, “One word!”

Pidge hit Keith on the elbow. “We are still in the first round!”

Hunk placed his one finger on this arm.

“One syllable!” said Lance.

Hunk lifted his hand to his mouth, opened it then moved the hand away to indicate speaking.

“Song title!” they all yelled.

“Wait… we did this part,” said Lance.

Frustrated, Hunk held up one finger then moved it to his arms.

“First word, one syllable!” they all yelled.

He repeated his ‘speaking’ gesture.

“Song title!” they all yelled again.

Hunk groaned and slumped forward.

“We did this part already,” said Lance. “It’s like we’re stuck in a time loop!”

“Remember when Allura and Coran did get stuck in that time loop?” chuckled Pidge. “Oh! Or when Keith got stuck on a space whale for two years!”

“That was weird,” said Keith.

Hunk rubbed his shoulders once again to indicate they’d gotten off track. 

“Focus, guys! We’re losing here!” snapped Lance since he was the only one taking the game seriously. “First word, one syllable… we need another clue here, big man. Lay it on me.”

New strategy! Hunk cupped his hand behind his ear.

“Sounds like!”

Hunk pressed his palms together in prayer hands.

“Pray!” said Lance.

Hunk nodded.

“Uh, pray, stay, slay, say -”

Hunk put his finger on his nose and pointed at Lance.

“Yes! Yes! I got it!” said Lance, jumping up and down. “Okay, so what do we have so far? Say my - ? Say my…? Say my what?”

Hunk held up three fingers, confident he was about to bring this game of Charades home…

******

Twenty minutes had passed. A waiter drone had come by twice to deliver drinks so everyone was drunker, including Hunk who was drinking to treat the stress of 1. Not being able to speak without dooming them all to another space war or personal crisis and 2. Not being able to effectively mime the word ‘name’ or anything that rhymes with it at all!

What good words rhyme with name? 

Fame? He tried pointing to Lance, but that made them go off on all kinds of tangents.

Aim? He tried acting out shooting with a sniper rifle, but he just got ‘Sharpshooter’ and another tangent.

Flame? He tried wiggling his fingers like the flames of a fire and just got ‘Razzle Dazzle!’

At this point Keith and Pidge were ignoring the game and just talking to each other after, “We give up! Just tell us!” was met with a growl. Not from Hunk either, but from Lance who had his title of Charades King to defend.

“Okay, drunk rules!” announced Lance.

“Aren’t all games of Charades played with drunk rules?” asked Pidge.

“I wasn’t drunk when I was fifteen,” said Lance. “I know I’ll be able to guess this song if I know who sings it. Can I get a hint for that, big guy?” asked Lance.

Hunk nodded enthusiastically then he put his hands on his hips.

“Person!”

One finger.

“One word? Oh, that narrows it down,” said Lance. “Are they human?”

“This isn’t twenty questions,” said Keith.

Hunk placed three fingers on his arm.

“Three syllables!”

He stretched his arms open.

“Whole word!” Lance was bright-eyed, excited, engaged. He seemed like the happy, goofy Lance from the old days before trauma and loss drained him. Before he rebuilt himself as a brand. 

The best part was Lance loved this singer so this game was in the bag! He’d made Hunk learn the whole dance to Single Ladies so he was confident he could replicate enough of it from his dimmed memory to get Lance to get it within a second.

“Uh, digging?” said Lance, sounding less confident.

Hunk shook his head and kept doing the motion. Bent forward, popping the knees, hands balled in fists, punching down.

“Are you hitting someone? I - my mind is blank, I can’t think of a single singer with three sylla - oh! Oh! Madonna!”

Hunk shook his head and rubbed his shoulders to indicate Lance was getting cold. Okay, what other part of the Single Ladies dance did he remember? Oh right!

Hunk held up his left hand and flipped it palm to back of hand, palm to back of hand while rocking his head back and forth in time.

“Queen wave!” said Lance. “Is it Queen?” 

Hunk looked at his left hand? Did this seriously look like a Queen wave?

“No, Queen is one syllable... Freddie Mercury? Just Mercury? He didn’t go by Mercury! What am I missing here?”

Okay, they both needed to knock this out before they lost their minds. What else could Hunk do? He looked at his held up hand and the ring sitting on it. Of course! He can put a ring on it!

He pulled off his wedding ring, said an ‘I love you’ to Shay in his head, and grabbed hold of the closest person who happened to be Keith.

Lance was watching quite intensely as Hunk shrugged his shoulders, pointed to Lance, made a heart shape with his fingers, pointed once more at Lance, then grabbed Keith’s left wrist and slid his wedding ring onto Keith’s ring finger.

“Why am I being given a ring?” asked Keith who might’ve been too drunk to even realize it was Hunk who had slipped it on there.

Surely Lance would understand that. Hunk looked at him expectantly and was surprised to see Lance red-faced and ready to explode.

“You can’t marry Keith, you’re already married to Shay!” yelled Lance. “And even if that’s like a thing Balmerans do, where is this coming from?! Quiznak! First Pidge and Keith and now you and Keith?! Why am I always out of the loop and how come none of my friends want to marry me?! What’s wrong with me?!”

Uh oh… Insecure Lance had come back out.

“I’m not getting married,” sputtered Keith with a laugh, but then his eyes widened. “Wait, am I?”

“MMMMMHHHH!” growled Hunk with his lips sealed shut. He stomped his foot with frustration. He felt like his eyes were going to bug out of his head. For all his bragging, Lance was terrible at Charades!

Hunk forcefully pulled the ring back off Keith's finger (well, actually it was completely loose since Keith has the tiniest hands,) then he went back through it one more time.

IF - Hunk shrugged.  
YOU - He pointed at Lance  
LIKE IT - He formed a heart with his fingers  
YOU SHOULD’VE - He pointed at Lance again.  
PUT A RING ON IT - Hunk literally slid a ring onto Keith’s ring finger.

“If you like it then you should’ve put a ring on it!” Lance’s eyes widened with recognition. “Beyoncé!! The singer is Beyoncé!”

Hunk put his finger on his nose and pointed excitedly at Lance.

“And the song title is three words starting with ‘Say My…’” Lance scrunched up his face, thinking.

“Can I take this off?” asked Keith, holding his hand up so the too big ring wouldn’t fall off his finger.

“Shh!” said Lance, going to hold up a finger to silence Keith and misjudging the distance and ending up smushing the finger against Keith’s mouth… At least Hunk hoped Lance had misjudged the distance. “What Beyoncé song starts with ‘Say My?’ Do any of them do?”

At this point Hunk remembered Say My Name is a Destiny’s Child song and not a Beyoncé song...

Oh no! How was Hunk going to communicate Destiny’s Child with gestures?

Lance got a determined look on his face. “What year did the song come out?”

Hunk thanked his lucky stars he actually knew this one and Lance was willing to cheat more. He held up two fingers then flashed the okay sign three times.

“The year two thousand? Queen Bey wasn’t releasing solo work in two thousand.” Then his whole body bristled with excitement as his eye widened. “She was with Destiny’s Child who had released their album The Writing’s on the Wall the previous year, which included the hit single Say My Name!”

Hunk could honestly cry as he touched his nose and pointed Lance. 

“I did it! I’m the King of Charades! Say my name, Beyoncé! Woo!” cheered Lance, bouncing up and down and pulling Keith into a hug.

Hunk was still touching his nose and pointing. He would hold this position all night if it meant Lance clued in that it was an instruction, not a song title. C’mon Lance! They’d been friends forever! He had to understand!

The thing is Lance probably would’ve clued in if all his jumping hadn’t vibrated Hunk’s ring right off Keith’s tiny finger.

He heard the first _CLINK_ as the ring hit the grating on the metal walkway and then, with growing horror, he heard the other _CLINKS_ as it slipped through the grating and began its descent through who knows how many levels of the rooftop bar structure!

“MMMMMMMMMMHHHHHHHH!!” screamed Hunk, grabbing hold of the railing and bending over it, straining to see any sign of his precious wedding ring.

“Oh fuck! Oh fuck! Oh fuck!” swore Keith, bending over the rail right beside him.

“Shay is gonna kill me!” groaned Lance, voicing Hunk’s exact thoughts. “I promised her that ring would stay on tonight!”

Keith groaned and flopped his upper body over the rail. “Why do people keep giving me things?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Songs:
> 
> WOW - Zara Larson  
> Say My Name - Destiny's Child  
> Single Ladies - Beyoncé

**Author's Note:**

> I finally made a link tree so you can find me in all the other spaces! [linkt.ree](https://linktr.ee/ChillyBang)


End file.
